Quown

Twinkel Twinkelstar. How I Wonder How You Are

2006-09-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

As far as irregular situations go, this one was right up there with the best. Having traveled close to 700km to meet a woman who was virtually a stranger, I had to make the best of the situation, regardless of what way it presented itself...

Twinkelstar and I had met under what many people would consider unusual circumstances. Subsequently, we did, however, both agree that had we not met the way we did, we simply never would have.

I first came into contact with Twinkelstar when she left a comment on this blog months after I'd stopped blogging. Among other things, her comment requested me to get back to blogging which, at that stage, I'd sort of gotten tired of. I was quite flattered by her request and although I began slowly, in no time I was back to posting on a regular basis. I'd read her blog and leave comments and she'd do the same with mine. This sort of thing went on for a couple of months until again, I just didn't feel like blogging anymore.

After over 6 months since I'd stopped, I felt that there were enough interesting things happening in my life to warrant blogging again, only this time I'd start a brand new blog. Everyone knows that the best way to get people to come to your blog is to go to theirs and leaving comments there. This is exactly what I did as soon as my new blog was up and running. Twinkelstar was of the people I visited and in no time we were reading each other's blogs religiously.

One day, while checking my email on my yahoo address, which, admittedly, I don't do as often as I should, I found an email from Twinkelstar. It was just a friendly email saying hello and checking how things were going on my side. Unfortunately, by the time I responded, she'd moved to a new company and no longer used the address she'd emailed me from.

I did mention to her, in her blog, that I'd emailed her. She told me about her move to a new job and proceeded to give me her new email address. In no time we were emailing each other and this when we decided to exchange telephone numbers.

No sooner had we gotten each other's number, we ditched email and just sms'd like mad. I remember our first sms session starting from about 11am and going through to 11:30pm. Needless to say, not a lot work was done on both our sides. Of course we did take a few breaks but they were taken only when we absolutely had to.

Right off the bat, we established a great rapport and chatted as if we'd known each other forever. And as these things often happen, there was bit of flirting. Okay that's a lie. There was a lot of flirting. If anyone had seen the sms' we sent each other, they'd swear that we'd known one another for more than 2 hours. We were joking around and teasing each other and throughout all of this, there was subtle yet evident flirting going on. I was having a ball and so was Twinkelstar. And in her very own words, I was "flirtatious without being smutty".

I remember telling my work friends about this over lunch that same day. They asked the usual "where is she from", "how did you meet her", "blah, blah blah". One thing that was quite evident though, was that they were very intrigued by this situation. After answering their initial questions, predictably, one of them asked the inevitable "does she know you're Black?". You should have heard their knowing laughs when I told them no. Although this laughter was not unwarranted, I explained to them that we Twinkelstar and I were just 2 people who were enjoying chatting and flirting with each other and that stuff like race was not an issue. Besides, I added, how did I know she was White? We, unfortunately, live in a country where interracial hook-ups are an issue, where only the brave and the crazy dare to cross the racial lines. Being part of the enlightened few, this has never been a problem for me personally.

My reasoning, in this particular situation, was that if I chose not to make the race difference between myself and Twinkelstar an issue, then, automatically, she would too. How wrong I was! I wasn't completely wrong but I wasn't right either. I would say I was about half-half.

Throughout our conversation we never went anywhere near talking about race. Like I've already said, we just 2 like-minded individuals in the process of getting to know each other.

It was only later in the evening that the race thing came up. We were still busy chatting when Twinkelstar asked me what my surname is. I told her and let's just say it wouldn't take a nuclear physicist to make out that mine is an ethnic surname. Although she "acted" cool immediately after I told her, there is no way Twinkelstar wasn't shocked by my revelation.

"Did I think you were White? Yes? Am I shocked? No", she sms'd.

Although I found this a bit contradictory, I didn't delve into it. I just listened to what she had to say in addition.

"Does this change things? Yes", she continued.

By things, she was referring to the invite she'd extended to me to go visit her whenever I wanted to. Earlier in the day she'd promised to show me a good time the next time I was in Durban. She made the offer so tempting that I tried to find legitimate reasons to go there. I had none, but that was not to stop me from going anyway.

But all of that had now changed. The invite was no longer open.

"I don't think I'm a racist", she said. "And I don't think that certain people are better than others just because of the colour of their skin. Life is complicated enough as it is and I don't think we need to add to these complications."

To be honest, I was not in the least bit surprised by all of this. This sort of situation wasn't new to me as I've been exposed to it, personally and through others, more times than I care to remember. And more oftern than not, it always comes down to what other people would think. Twinkelstar was no exception.

The strange thing is that our conversation didn't falter. We carried on at the same we we'd been going all day. Granted, our banter had become a lot more serious, but we were still going strong. A lot of sensitive areas were touched on (the author wishes to point out that this is said in a completely non sexual way) and even those just seemed to feed our conversation.

Things took a sudden turn when I got this sms:

"Screw all this serious talk, what would you be doing to me if you were here with me?"

That certainly threw me off a tad. The combination of not knowing where this was coming from and the tired state I was in had me rather discombobulated (look it up). It was, after all, past 11pm already.

I took me a few minutes to get my bearings and what took place after I did was totally out of this world. Twinkelstar and I got it on and and on and on and on... And for the first time in my life, I got to experience the digital getdown.

The following night brought with it more of the same. And as far as new experiences go, I felt quite at home with this one. There was, of course, normal conversation about work, friends and other things but that was all dwarfed by the other activities that we took part in.

My relationship with Twinkelstar took another step forward the following day. After sms-ing for about 30 minutes, she got tired of my slow typing and decided to call me. Again we had great chat, full of laughter and more flirting, which lasted for nearly 2 hours. The same thing happened the following day, and again the following day.

Things were happening fast and we needed keep up. We did that the only way we knew how: we made arrangements for me to go visit her on the weekend. Although the anticipation was more than we could both handle, the week leading up to my visit was not all smooth sailing.

Three days before my visit, Twinkelstar sms’d me to tell me how freaked out she was about the weekend. At first I thought she was just joking but soon realized that she was being for real. I fully understood where she was coming from. It was getting close to crunch time and the reality of the situation was starting to sink in. I don’t care where you come from, it takes a special kind of person to take a Black stranger into your home for an entire weekend. Because of that, I don’t think the way Twinkelstar reacted was unjustified. Consequently, I was very sympathetic and did my best to put her mind at ease.

One thing that her panic did do, however, was to remind me of the absurdity of this whole situation. Up until then, I’d just followed my gut and not given much thought to the magnitude of what we were actually getting ourselves into. Although I was now a bit shaken, I didn’t show it to Twinkelstar. After a lengthy chat, we both managed to put each other’s minds at ease. The only thing left now was for me to get onto a plane and make my way to Durban.

Long Overdue Part II

2005-10-17T05:42:00.000-07:00

Saturday came and Macy, Kevin and I went to the annual Beerfest. It was packed. Kevin had bought a new car a couple of days before that and was in a celebratory mood. He drank like fish while Macy and I were knocking back the Cokes.

At about midnight, Kevin suggested we go to Numbers, the classiest club in East London. It’s a good thing I hadn’t had so much as a mouthful of alcohol at the Beerfest because there were roadblocks all over town and they were locking guys up like no one’s business.

When we got to Numbers, it was about half full. It started filling up as the people from the Beerfest started arriving. Without wasting any time, we hit the dancefloor.

Debbie was also there, and as usual, we did our usual bump ’n grind. We did this for about 3 songs (10 minutes), in which I completely ignored Macy. I caught her watching Debbie and I a couple of times. I could tell she wanted in.

After Debbie and I had done our thing, I moved over to Macy. She initiated her own sexy dance and I needed no invite to join in. This also went on for approximately 20 minutes after which I was rather parched.

We got drinks and found ourselves a table. We chatted for a few minutes before Macy mentioned how cold the chair was on her behind. I jokingly offered her my lap and to my surprise, she accepted.

This puzzled me to an extent because hardly a week ago we’d argued over her not wanting to hug me. She’d claimed that it made her feel like she was moving in on Zoe’s territory. Tonight, however, such thoughts had been thrown out the window.

A couple of minutes later Kevin went to the loo and Macy and I were left on our own. She gave me this look and said she wanted to ask me a question. I said shoot.

“Did you feel anything during that dance?”, she asked

“Yes I did. Why? Did you?”

“Yes I did too. What did you feel?’

“I don’t know how to describe it, but there was definitely something. But whatever you felt, that was my phone.”

At that very moment, she gave me a little peck on the lips. I thought to myself, something big is going down tonight. I couldn’t wait to leave Numbers to find out just what.

We stayed for a couple more minutes and then made our way home. We drove Macy home first. When we got there, I got out of the car to give her a hug and as I did, she whispered in my ear:

“You know what, I could kiss you tonight.”

“Maybe I should walk you in”, I said.

No sooner had we entered the house we started making out like crazy. When we eventually came up for some air, she said:

“This so wrong but it feels so good.”

I didn’t respond to that. I just said:

“Let me drop Kevin off and get my car from his house. I’ll be backing 10 minutes.”

When Kevin and I got to his house, I couldn’t find my damn car keys. I looked everywhere. Nothing. I sat in Kevin’s car fuming for about 2 minutes when I remembered that I’d given my keys to Macy when we got to Numbers.

There has been very few times where I’ve driven as fast as I did when I drove back to Macy’s. When I got there, she was already in her satin nighties. I got my keys and just before I walked out, she gave me a kiss and her keys so I could let myself back into the house.

10 minutes later, I was back there. I switched off the light and climbed into bed. We went the whole nine yards and by the time we were done, the sun was up. We got up a few hours later and went at it again. Such goodness…

I took a shower, while she made brunch. I didn’t feel like eating though, I just wanted to go home to sleep. She asked me to sleep at her house and being the nice guy that I am. I agreed.

I actually did get some nice sleep and when I woke up, it was after 3 o’clock. I gave her a kiss on the forehead while she slept and quietly let myself out.

Long Overdue Part 1

2005-10-03T07:32:00.000-07:00

This blog is a year old now. Although I haven’t posted as much as I would have liked to, I’m very pleased with it. I plan to introduce a whole new format to this blog, so watch this space.

Anyway, a lot’s happened since I last posted. For those who have been following the Zoe and Macy story, in P Diddy (now DiddY) fashion, the saga continues. Boy have I got news for you.

In my last post I mentioned that I’ve been spending quite a lot of time with Macy. This hasn’t changed. If anything, it’s increased.

One time I went to see her at her house. We made supper, chatted and had a good old time. When it got to time for me to leave, I wanted to give her a hug but she refused. When I asked her what the problem was, she told me that she felt uncomfortable being so close to me, especially with Zoe still in the picture.

I tried to explain to her that a hug means nothing but she wouldn’t budge. When I tried to explain to her, a few days later, we just ended up arguing. I apparently said something insensitive, which I don’t think I did. I didn’t apologise for that, but I did apologise for offending her.

She said she needed time to think about it. I was not to call her until she she called me to tell me if she’d forgiven me or not. At this point, I knew she was mine.

Zoe, on the other hand, sends me an sms to ask me how my day’s been and what I’d done. I tell her. When I ask her how hers was, she tell me it was great. Paraphrased it went like: “Today I went shopping with Zeph (the guy that wants her). He bought me a fine pair of boots. I look so nice in them. Tonight he’s wining and dining me in a restaurant.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Even if I wanted, I couldn’t respond to that... Later that evening she sms'd me to tell me she loves and blah blah blah. I didn't respond.

I didn't like this whole "friend" story. I spoke to a couple of people about it. My friend Keith told me that she didn't mean any harm by all of this. Not only that, she also saw no danger in it. The most valuable piece of advice he gave me though, was that I needed to lean back. Give her some space. Not call, email or sms her for a few days. That would remind her what it feels like to not have me in her life.

Another thing he said was that girls fail to realize is that guys are way smarter than they are. He said it not me. Although Zoe might think she is "safe", it's only a matter of time before Zeph or someone else gets her.

This awakened me to the possibility that it could also be a matter of time before Zoe and I are no longer. I needed to start acting accordingly.

I started by decreasing the contact I made with her, but I soon found myself with this void that I needed to fill. As long as I wasn't calling, sms-ing, or emailing Zoe, I needed to be doing those things with someone else. And who better than someone I'd already been doing those things with, albeit on a smaller scale, Macy?

Once I'd made this decision, I sprang into action. I email Macy just to say hi. She told me how terrible her day was and how unhappy she was at work. I decided to call her. At this stage I remembered something Chris Rock once said.

"Women always complain that men don't talk enough. But that's not what the really want. They just want men to listen. She just wants you to ask her the correct questions that will allow her to run her mouth. You don't even have to be listening, just as long as you keep saying 'aha, really?, get outta here!, you don't say, I told you that bitch's crazy'. Set them up and she'll knock' em down."

That's exactly what I did. It must've worked because later that night she called me and gave the blow by blow details of what was making her unhappy. I'm sitting there "listening" to her and the next thing her voice starts quivering. I can tell she's crying. And I'm terrible when it comes to being a shoulder to cry on. So I just sit there not saying a word. After she stopped talking I just told her that I could never claim to understand what she's going through but one thing she needs to know is that I'm there for her.

The following night I invited myself over to her place to check up on her. She seemed in much better spirits. She made dinner and had a long chat. It was nice to see her laughing and jovial again.

The next two days I leaned back, just to give her the gift of missing me before went out on the weekend.

Disturbing thoughts

2005-09-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

It’s been so crazy at work for the last 2 weeks, so crazy that I haven’t even had time to post. A lot’s happened to since my last post. It involves Zoe and Macy.

Since Zoe moved to Cape Town 3 weeks ago, she and I have grown a lot “closer”. We’ve been calling, e-mailing and sms-ing each other everyday. With her birthday, which happens to fall on a Friday, coming up next month, we’ve started talking about spending the weekend together, either in Cape Town or Port Elizabeth. I, for one, have been really looking forward to that.

There is, however, this guy that she is “friends” with that’s been visiting her everyday. I’ve called her 2 or 3 times and she’s told me he was there. This bothers me to an extent. And it’s not that I don’t trust her. It’s just that I know how guys operate.

She has admitted to me that she is aware of the fact that he wants her. Good. My question then is, and maybe the ladies can help me with this one, how do you spend time with someone you know is just waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce on you?

I know it’s quite flattering to have someone running behind you, but it can be quite dangerous to let them get too close. Does this sound insecure? I hope not. Like I said, it’s not that I don’t trust her. It’s him I don’t trust.

On the other hand, Macy and I have been seeing a lot of each other. With a lot of my friends occupied by new girlfriends, work and trying to squeeze themselves out of the closet, I’ve pretty much been keeping to myself lately. Macy’s been doing the same.

We’ve been out for coffee twice and once to see a show together and we’ve had a really good time. It’s all been innocent too. But I don’t know for how much longer.

Macy is a really nice girl. She’s longing for someone to love her. In trying to protect her from predators like my former self, I’ve been keeping quite close to her.

I remember the one time Zoe and I had had a minor disagreement. Later that day I saw Macy. She was so sweet to me, so much that I started having these weird thoughts about me hooking up. I dismissed them immediately, or at least tried to.

I’m afraid that I might have planted a seed in my mind because since then I’ve thought about her at a couple of times. I know for a fact though that I’m not gonna do anything about it.

I like Zoe a lot. I just hope that we can survive the distance. Or the guy that visits her everyday. I know that if anything goes wrong with us, I won’t have caused it.

Am I A Baxter?

2005-09-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve come to the sad realization that I could be a Baxter. For those of you that do not know what that is, a Baxter is as the new movie by the same name explains, the other guy in a romantic comedy: the safe bet, the sure thing, the guy that the attractive leading lady always leaves to be with the passionate, risk-taking hero of the film. A Baxter is, in short, the nice guy who always loses, the personification of the friend zone: liked by all, but laid by none.

Now I’ve said “could” because my situation is a little complicated. Alicia, and I have become quite close, so close that we’re beyond ever being attracted to each other. For that reason, I introduced her to Keith, a long time friend of mine. He was immediately smitten by her. She, on the other hand, didn’t give him the time of day.

One valuable lesson I’ve learnt on my relatively short time in this world is that if you stroke someone’s ego the right way, you can get whatever you want from them. That’s exactly what I did with Alicia, for Keith. I told her how crazy Keith was about her and how he just can’t shut up about her.

She would laugh and act like I warn’t no thing to her but deep down I could tell she was definitely flattered by all of this. I guess what made the whole thing more credible was that Keith had also told Zoe about his infatuation with Alicia. Zoe then passed the message onto Alicia, even though she was convinced that Keith stood absolutely no chance.

I don’t know whether to call dumb luck or what but for some crazy reason Alicia started warming up to Keith. Not just warned up though, a lot more than that. She was falling hard for him. She was sms-ing him, calling him in the middle of the night and calling me to say how crazy she was about him.

This all happened in a space of less than 24 hours. Even Keith was taken aback by all this. He couldn’t believe his luck. As Warren always says, luck is when opportunity meets preparedness. And wasn’t Keith just prepared!

He arranged for Alicia to spend the very next night at his place. She was sooo excited (pun intended).

The events leading up to the said night are what have led me to wonder whether I am a Baxter or not. Alicia called me to ask what she should wear for her special night, what perfume she should put on, and a series of other questions which would have been better directed at her girlfriends.

According to College Humor, the following are 10 things that qualify you as a Baxter:

1. You’ve pretended to be an attractive friend’s boyfriend so a guy would stop hitting on her.

2. Your attractive female friend has said any of the following things to you.
A. “I can change in front of you because, like, it doesn’t matter.”
B.“Can you come over? My boyfriend and I just got in a fight and I need to talk to someone.”
C. “I just took the biggest shit.”
D. “You’re like my brother.”
E. “Oooh, can you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?”

3. You have been described as “stable” or “reliable” to a prospective date.

4. You get more kisses on the cheek than anyone you know.

5. If you’re angry and yell at someone, you immediately apologize for losing control.

6. You spend more time with your attractive female friend than her boyfriend does.

7. When it comes time to hit the bars, your attractive female friend asks if you’re “coming out with me and the girls?”.

8. You consider jigsaw puzzles a suitable form of entertainment.

9. ‘Your colors’ are muted brown and light denim.

10. When you look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you’ll never have that edgy attitude women are drawn to or be able to state your true feelings to a girl for fear of “ruining the friendship,” you cry.

The ones highlighted are the ones that have happened between me and Alicia. But seeing that I don’t and could never want her, Am I really a Baxter?

Maybe I'm not pig after all

2005-08-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

I know this might come as a surprise but I’ve decided to (for now) not go ahead with my pursuit of Macy. This decision was taken on Saturday, moments before Zoe left for Cape Town.

On Friday we had a little get together as a farewell party for her. It was an intimate little gathering at Zoe’s friend’s house, about 5 minutes from Zoe’s house. Macy was there too.

During the course of the evening, Zoe had to go fetch some music from her house. I offered to go with her. Isn’t that what the perfect boyfriend would do? And like I said, Macy was there.

We got to Zoe’s house and no sooner had we entered, we started making out like mad. This went on for quite some time and before we, or at least I, realized, half an hour had passed. We decided to head back to the party before everyone started missing us. Too late for that. The ragging we got when we got back. Everyone threw in a few comments with sexual innuendo being the main theme.

A question you might have is, why make out with her? Macy had seen my chivalry, surely that should have been enough.

What I’ve probably failed to mention in the past is how I felt for Zoe. Besides the racism thing, she actually is a nice chick. Consequently I liked her, perhaps a lot more than I realized.

All week we’d been joking about me spending the night at her house, with her sister who absolutely despises me under the same roof. But that’s all it was: a joke.

After the party (around 3am) everyone went home, including myself. I called Zoe when I got there, and I jokingly told her that I was standing outside her front door. She seemed excited. Her disappointment at telling her that I was only kidding was palpable. We then said our goodbyes and called a night, or rather a morning.

Then next day, when I went to fetch her for the bus station, she seemed a little off? When I probed to find out what was wrong she complained about me spending the previous night with her after we’d talked about it all week. She genuinely upset. She went on about how she wanted to spend our last night together, together (we’d mutually agreed to “break up” on Saturday as there was no point in having a long distance relationship).

I tried to down play her ranting but she was really upset. For the first time I actually realized how much she liked me. It made me sad a little. This chick really liked me and I, unbeknown to her, was being a dog by trying to go after a friend of hers. That made me feel bad.

We are, however, upholding our agreement to break up but I don’t know for how much longer. Since she left, she’s sent me tons and tons of messages telling me how she feels about me and how much she misses me already. I miss her too.

As much as I think I’d like to go for Macy, I don’t have it in me. So for now, that little project is on hold.

Come to think of it, the only disagreement we ever had was on the racist thing. Granted, that’s a major thing. But other than that, I really had fun with Zoe. What makes me feel the crappiest is not sleeping, or should I say, spending that night at her house on Friday night. And it’s not for physical reasons that I wish I’d been there for her (and maybe me), but the thought of her lying in bed waiting for me show up is what really kills me. Because even when I left to drop the other people off, she didn’t even say goodbye, probably thinking that I would return. Being the idiot that I am, I didn’t.

I’ve made a lot of blunders in my time, and this one is right up there with the worst of them.

You know what they say… you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. Crazy isn't it? Me saying all these things. Maybe I'm not a complete pig after all.

The Final Countdown

2005-08-26T01:43:00.000-07:00

What a week! I’m convinced that the company has worked out that by sending me to as many training courses as possible, they will actually save money. Warren (he doesn’t blog anymore) and I have this joke that whenever I’m not at work, the total company internet usage goes down by 80%. That’s obviously not true but I don’t think we’re too far off.

Anyway I got sent on a safety course and what a waste of time. The food and being away from work were the only upsides of the course. When I go back from the training yesterday, my boss made me work till 7 in the evening. Sadist! He enjoyed my not enjoying of that so much that he stayed with me to watch me suffer. To think that the guy sacrificed with his family for such pettiness…

Today we had some overseas visitors I had to present to for the entire morning. All these factors have greatly contributed to my lack of posting this week. Having said that, I do have a quick update for you.

If you remember from the last post, I had issues with Zoe’s racism. I had issues so much that I wanted nothing to do with her. Following through on that line of reasoning kind of put a flaw in my plan to woo Macy because the only way I can get to her is through Zoe.

Coincidentally, Zoe and Macy invited me to see a special preview screening of The Longest Yard on Wednesday evening. They organized everything for me, including a seat between the two of them.

There I was in a dream situation with my soon-to-be-past and hopefully-soon-to-be-future on either side of me. I pulled out all the stops. Chivalry doesn’t even begin to describe my award winning display of good ol’ fashioned manners just like my Mama taught me.

This was not new to Zoe because I’ve been this way with her for few weeks now, in the hope that she would share it with Macy. Macy, on the other hand, was rather impressed. I don’t know if that’s the way she always is, but she kept hitting and grabbing my arm every something funny happened in the movie.

Without sounding too optimistic, I think I made some progress. I’m hoping to build on that tonight when we have Zoe’s farewell party. I plan to go on an all out attack.

See you on Monday for an update.

Good Riddance. I think...

2005-08-18T03:00:00.000-07:00

I don’t know who but someone told Zoe about this blog. She didn’t know the address or any other specifics, she just knew that I’ve got a blog on which I record certain things that happen to and around me. I didn’t deny it.

She asked if there was any stuff in there about her and, truthfully, I said yes. She then asked me for the address but I wouldn’t give it. She pushed and pushed but I still wouldn’t budge. Then she started getting manipulative by being all upset with me. I’d seen it all before. I’d been in that position lots of times before.

I simply told her that it my blog is private and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with her.

Then she says: “I guess with have nothing to say to each other.”

I guess we didn’t.

She also added: ”You know I’m leaving next week and if you don’t tell me, if it means leaving without speaking to you again, then so be it.”

Like I said, I’ve seen all this before and I wasn’t gonna fall for it. I called her bluff and said fine.

About 2 hours later she sends me an sms saying that she only has a few days left before she leaves East London for good and doesn’t wanna fight over petty and that if I don’t wanna give her my blog address, then fine. At the end she added that I must go see her after work.

I could have been a child about things and said no, but I said fine I’d go see her.

When I got there, I could sense some tension in her, but I knew why and I understood. Zoe lives in an apartment with her sister and her little kid, the naughtiest little brat I’ve ever seen.

I’ve always sensed that the sister doesn’t like me, but I’ve made no effort to try to change that. Why should I? So what if she doesn’t like me? I don’t like her either. She's not even someone I'd be interested in. You know how the Puff Daddy song goes: “You can hate me now, but I won’t stop now…”

TANGENT: P Diddy ahs changed his name again. He’s just Diddy minus the P now. In an interview, he said the name change was brought about to bring him closer to his fans. He added that he felt that the P stood between him and the fans. He’s right, being a fan myself, I fell much closer to Diddy now.

Anyway there we were: me, Zoe and the sister. We’ve not been chatting for too long when I notice a few snide comments creeping up every couple of minutes. From both of them. I decide it’s game on. I start going after them, nothing major but I just let them know that I know what’s going on. Soon afterwards, just as I’d predicted, the funny comments stopped and we had a normal conversation again.

Something on TV prompted a comment from Zoe’s sister. The comment she made was a derogatory one about a certain racial group. I told her that what she’d said was uncalled for and a bit racist. Then Zoe takes her sister’s side and they gang up on me again. I said that it’s wrong to judge an entire group of people based on the actions of an individual. Things started getting a little heated. They went on and on about why the hated this particular race. They even went as far as admitting to being racists and proud of it.

It was time for me to leave. Not before I got the label of “******-lover”. I did, and Zoe walked me out. I wish she hadn’t. I didn’t wanna speak to her at that moment. I kept my cool though. I’m almost glad she’s leaving. I wouldn’t have been able to have anything with someone who’s that racist. It’s hard to understand how people can get like that.

But who am I to wanna change the world? Just plain Bryan, I’m afraid.

Update: I’m thinking of taking Macy (see last post) to a movie in 2 weeks time. I wanna see Wedding Crashers. Is it a safe movie to see with a girl you’re pursuing?

Call me a pig

2005-08-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

As some of you may have noticed, I've been away for the last week on a much-needed holiday. I didn't go anywhere, just spent the week lazying around the house, visiting friends and basically doing as little as possible.

Not much has been happening to me. Last week Saturday was the first time anything worth writing about actually happened. Before I go into it, let me give a little background info:

2 years ago there was a really nice looking girl that I used to walk past every morning on my way to catch the train. After a little investigation, I found out that she didn’t really stay too far from my house.

For months all I could say to her was hi and nothing else. I was too much of a wuss to say anything else. I used the old excuse that it was never the right time.

One morning, I didn’t see her on my way to the train. The day turned to 2, to a week, to a month, to a year, to 2. She’d moved to another part of town and I had no way of ever finding out where. Soon I forgot about her.

Fast forward to a month ago. Alicia, my “friend” from work bumped into Kevin and I at a mall. She was with a girl I recognized (yes you’ve guessed it, it was Zoe, the girl from 2 years ago.) We chatted for a little while. Zoe didn’t recognize me. Why should she have? I hardly said a word to her when I saw her.

I reminded her who I was and she burst out laughing. She said she was laughing at the big wuss I was 2 years ago. She told me she could see that I was dying to say something and it gave her great pleasure to see me as helpless (meaning hopeless) as I was.

After that we became friends, called each other and went out on a couple of times. Last week she sms’d me to tell me that she would be home alone on Saturday and if I wanted, I could go see her. I knew this was trouble but my life has been so boring of late, I needed to do something dangerous.

When I got to her house on she was a real sport because she didn’t take any offence to me watching the rugby and not paying any attention to her. She just let me be. After the rugby we chatted and basically had a good ol' time.

We got some pizza for dinner and afterwards she brought out some expensive tasting ice cream. Throughout dinner she kept making subtle insinuations about how I'm all talk and no action. She was egging me on and I was gonna have none of it. She made some references to two years ago and I knew there was only one thing to get those thoughts out of her mind.

Without saying a word, I kissed her. I knew she wanted me to. No "what's this" or anything like that. She just played along.

We made out out for like over an hour and close to midnight, I made my way home. I didn't want anything more. Not that I would have gotten any if I wanted. I don't know.

What makes this situation so easy for the both of us is that she's leaving for Cape Town in 2 weeks time. She's got a job there and probably won't be coming back anytime soon. We both have said how we're not into long distance relationships. Although I've seen her a couple of other times, we both know that next Friday, whatever we have, will be over for good.

At one of the times we've spent together, she asked me to play her a song on the guitar, which she saw in my back seat. I did, and she was very impressed. So impressed that she told all of her friends. One of them, I hear, was alos so impressed by all of this and commented on how romantic I am and blah blah blah.

After much consideration, I've decided to go for this friend as soon as Zoe leaves. She's told me that I don't owe her anything and that it's fine for me to see whoever I wanna see.

A strategy I'm using on this is showering Zoe with all the affection and attention in the world. In turn she tells her friend, including, Macy, the aforementioned friend, who I'm hoping me will think me even more romantic. Then as soon as Zoe leaves, I'll be so broken, I'm gonna need someone to console me at this difficult time in my life. And guess who I'm gonna turn to for that... Macy.

I've seen guys do this. Turning up at some chick's house, claiming to have been driving around not knowing where they're going and somehow found themselves at the chick's house. They then start talking about their lost love and the really good ones even go as far as crying. You get that right and the chick's yours.

I know I know. Felicia. Not wanting to go into too much detail, it's over between us. I saw it coming a mile away so it's no great shock to me. It was amicable and "we're gonna remain friends and hopefully someday when everything's sorted out..."

I'm not holding my breath. And I'd suggest she doesn't too.

Ignorance is bliss

2005-08-01T05:48:00.000-07:00

Last week I didn’t post anything. That’s because we were on training all week. Although I really enjoyed it and learnt a lot (surprisingly), the fact that we finished at 19:00 every night didn’t help much. I only had time to look at e-mails, not that I was gonna do anything about them, regardless of how urgent they were.

I sit here looking back on last week and trying to account for it. Things are still shaky between Felicia and I. I have to admit though, I haven’t been doing as much as should have on that front. It’s almost an inevitability that, at best, our relationship will remain where it is, which, from my point of view, would be a complete waste of time. But like I’ve said before, I’m not doing the breaking up. I’m leaving that up to her.

Suddenly I find myself with all this free time that I don’t know what to do with. Fortunately I have friends, some better than others. Remember Alicia, my new friend from work? Well, she and I have been spending a lot of time together, in and out of work.

At work we’re still acting like a couple but I’ve noticed that we’re now act the same way outside of work.It’s nothing big but we call and sms each other all the time. We still hold hands and hug but it’s all innocent. She calls me boo. I call her sweetcakes and other names of endearment.

I was sitting at home this weekend and I thought to myself, here I find myself at a very vulnerable time in my life and there’s girl that’s giving me all the lovin’ I don’t get at home. The perfect thing about our arrangement is that, we’re “imaginary” lovers, and yet we act like a real couple.

I don’t know if Alicia has any feelings for me. She’s got her cards close to her chest. I don’t know if I like her “that way”. We have a good rapport and we’re so comfortable with each other.

What I’ve decided to do, in the meantime, is to date her until she finds out. When and if she does, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. The only flaw in my plan is the absence of exclusivity as far as who she dates. If she doesn’t know that we’re dating, then she can see whoever she wants to. But the way things are between us, I don’t see that happening. The cherry on this cake would be if she was doing the same thing with me. In that case, everybody wins.

Have you hugged a bum today?

2005-07-22T05:40:00.000-07:00

Warning: Although this is in no way meant to be offensive, if you are easily offended or not a big fan of dry humour, do not read any further. You're still reading, oh well, without further ado, I give you:

VINCENT
So if you're quitting the life, what'll you do?

JULES
That's what I've been sitting her contemplating. First, I'm gonna deliver this case to Marsellus.Then, basically, I'm gonna walk the earth.

VINCENT
What do you mean, walk the earth?

JULES
You know, like Caine in "KUNG FU."Just walk from town to town, meet people, get in adventures.

VINCENT
How long do you intend to walk the earth?

JULES
Until God puts me where he want me to be.

VINCENT
What if he never does?

JULES
If it takes forever, I'll wait forever.

VINCENT
So you decided to be a bum?

JULES
I'll just be Jules, Vincent -- no more, no less.

VINCENT
No Jules, you're gonna be like those pieces of shit out there who beg for change. They walk around like a bunch of fuckin' zombies,they sleep in garbage bins, they eat what I throw away, and dogs piss on 'em. They got a word for 'em, they're called bums. And without a job, residence, or legal tender, that's what you're gonna be -- a fuckin' bum!

JULES
Look my friend, this is just where me and you differ ---

I totally disagree with Vincent here but a question that I’m sure arises in a lot of people’s minds is: “How do the homeless survive in winter? I can understand that. Our winters have become colder over the last couple of years.” Not me though.

Personally, I don’t see the homeless as helpless people struggling to make their way in the world. In fact, I envy them to an extent. I believe these people have a lot of potential and many ways, we can learn from them. Here’s a list of things that the average Joe probably doesn’t even think about when it comes to the homeless:

1. Immunity from a lot of diseases

How many people die each day in hospitals from cold related sicknesses including pneumonia, flu and bronchitis? Some of these people have the best Medical and Hospital Plans money can buy. And here’s a group of people that survive under the most atrocious conditions. I won’t even mention (I just have) eating out of dustbins. Do you ever hear any news about the homeless dying from some weak-ass disease? No? Ever thought why not?

2. Home is where the heart is

The average person has 1 or 2 and for the more affluent, probably 3 homes. The homeless, on the other hand, can sleep just about anywhere they like. Parks, pavements, dustbins, I could go on forever. Bus shelters, however, are awarded on a seniority basis. These people only need their cardboard boxes and their newspaper, which (I’ve just learnt this) they crumple and put under their layers of clothing. Surely that’s not enough to keep you warm at night, you may think. What you fail to realize is that the homeless are a society whose members do not judge each other. “Normal” people look down upon such things as pissing in your pants when sleeping, while the homeless use urine and other nocturnal emissions to keep themselves warm at night. Many people do not realize that urine contains ammonia which contains anti-germ properties and can be found in many germ killers found in your very own home. This, in part, explains point 1.

A piece of advice to the homeless readers of this blog: In case of a storm, take one sip of any foul-smelling beverage and just go to a quiet, rich neighbourhood and walk around shouting and singing pretending to be drunk if you already aren't. I assure you someone will call the cops on you. Naturally they’ll come pick you up and put you in a cell for the night. They will let you go the next morning, but not before serving you a nice breakfast. Look at it as a Bed & Breakfast.

3. An untapped resource for employers

Statistics reveal that almost 2% of the people employed in Tourism were once homeless. Their love for traveling from place top place, coupled with their intimate knowledge of the streets makes them the ideal candidates for this kind of work.

Other industries that could benefit from the homeless:

Advertising (copywriting): The signs, hello?
Mechanical engineering: Someone makes and fixes their carts they use to carry their bottles and cooldrink cans, isn’t that so?
Astronomy: The homeless know more about the stars than the average Johnny Pencil-Pusher
Entertainment/PR: They will tell you which streets you can find the nicest hookers on.

4. Family Planning

Would you agree with me when I say that the homeless society is not solely comprised of men? Would you also agree with me when I say that these men interact with the women of their species (for a lack of better word) and that during these interactions, attraction that leads to intimacy may develop? To cut a long story short, do you think the homeless ever sleep with each other? If that’s the case, why have I never seen a pregnant homeless woman? Condoms, the Pill, plastic packets, it doesn't really matter. The point is they take the necessary precautions. Do you? How many abortions do we have each year due to unwanted pregnancies?

I’m sure that from everything that’s been discussed here, you’ll agree that the homeless are not as hopeless as many people think they are and that there's alot we can learn from them. These are human beings just like you and I. Be nice to them, you never know who they really may be. If you’ve seen Gang Related by Tupac Shakur and James Belushi, you’ll know what I’m talking about. So let’s go out there and embrace the homeless.

The future is now!

2005-07-22T02:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took my car in for a service. About an hour after I got to work, I got a call from the service centre informing me that the job would take 2 days instead of 1. That meant I had to bum a lift home from someone. I, however, didn’t wanna ask the chicks I work with. They can be quite imposing and if feel I owe them something, they’ll make me pay for it 10 fold. Public transport was the way to go.

I had a choice between a taxi and the train. Since I’ve had my car, I’ve only been in a taxi about 4 times in 2 years. As for the train, I hadn’t been on one since the day I got my car. I decided chose the train. I know it takes longer but I had my iPod with me so the ride wouldn’t be too bad.

A guy that works with me also takes the train. I saw him after work and we walked to the station together. I didn’t even need to use the iPod because I now had someone to talk to, or should I say listen to. The guy was just going on and on. I didn’t really mind because some of the stuff he was saying we very funny.
As for the train ride, nothing’s changed in 2 years.

When I got home I found the house dark. My mother had gone to church. I immediately realized that I’d left me keys at work. I’d hoped to find the house unlocked because sometimes she does that. It was a chilly evening and I was gonna have to wait outside for almost 2 hours. There was no use in beating myself about it. I whipped out my iPod and my cellphone and made myself comfortable. I started sms-ing friend so they could “keep me company”. Not a single one of them responded. 2 of them eventually did and by then I was in bed already.

I decided to sms my girlfriend, Felicia but she also didn’t respond. So I just sat there thinking about a whole lot of nothing. But one significant thing that I did think about is my relationship with Felicia and what the future has in store for us. At the moment it’s not looking good. In fact I’d be very surprised if we make to mid August. I’ve accepted that fact an from now on I will act accordingly. I’ll, however, let her be the one that does that has to make the break up speech. She caused this whole situation in the first place. When I speak to her on the phone, I can sense it in her tone that it’s only a matter of time. She has said that she wants to see me. I’m bracing myself.

This whole Felicia situation got me thinking about something Alan Shore (James Spader) said in one episode in The Practice. He said the only lesson we need to learn in life is that in the end every thing turns out badly. I’m not a negative person of anything like that, in fact I’m quite the opposite but I have to agree with him. Think about it. People and things that we care deeply for will eventually, one way or another, be taken away from us. It may be through death, relocation, theft and various other ways.

The funny thing is that while watching The Apprentice last night, there was an advert from Alan Grey, an investment company, with a pay-off line that said: “Not many things will last as long as our track record”. I don’t remember everything about the ad but there was a guy flying a remote-controlled plane which comes crashing down, and close up of a letter with only the words “met someone else” showing. Coincidence?

With that realization, I’ve come to a decision that I’m not gonna postpone enjoying my life any longer. I will enjoy it now. I’ll also be one of those guys that take a camera everywhere I go so I can have photos to remind of everything when it’s finally been taken away from me. I wanna spend more time with the people that are dear to me. I wanna do more of the things that I enjoy. One day at a time. As for the future, it’s now…..

Anyway my mother finally got back and got the key from the dustbin I’d been sitting on the whole time. Funny! We opened up and she served me a nice supper. We chatted, watched TV together and had a jolly good time. Before long, the 2 hours I spent out in the cold were nothing but a bad memory.

Oh oh

2005-07-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

I heard some where (I can’t remember where) that every relationship has that one moment called the “oh-oh moment” when you realize that the person you’re with, may not be the person that you will spend the rest of your life with. It could be something they say or do but when it happens, you will recognize it.

I think I encountered my oh-oh moment yesterday when I called my lady, Felicia. A little background info: She’s from a very rich family. They own a couple of businesses in Butterworth. She’s been like her dad’s right hand woman for the last 2 years. He obviously has a lot of faith in her because he’s decided to retire and leave her in charge of everything.

Consequently, this has had a negative effect on our relationship. I’m seeing less and less of her and yet she stays only an hour away from where I stay. Yesterday she told me how business is booming and how much busier she’s become. She made no secret of the fact that business comes first to her. She also mentioned that it’s gonna get worse and blah blah blah (I didn’t listen to anything she said after that). I don’t mind that, it’s just that she doesn’t seem to mind the whole situation. But why should she? It’s not doing her bank balance any harm.

A couple of months ago, I would not have minded such a predicament, only then it wouldn’t have been a predicament but an opportunity to see whoever I wanna see. But it so happens that after years of messing around, I thought I’d found the perfect woman for me: beauty, brains and a body that will just not quit. But now I don’t know so much.

In Alfie, Jude Law said that it’s always the one you let your guard down with that will hurt you. Before Felicia, my last relationship was in 2002. When I decide to finally settle down, this happens.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen next but after yesterday, I’m preparing for any eventuality.

My honest opinion

2005-07-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the unfortunate pleasure of receiving a call from Kevin’s housemate, Zoe. She told me she was doing some soul-searching and wanted to know what people think of her. I happened to be one of those people. I don’t know why she chose me because she and I aren’t exactly the best of friends, in fact you can go so far as to say that we dislike each other.

She had a crush on me when she first moved in with Kevin but I didn’t feel the same way about her. She was pretty aggressive in making her intentions known which made things a bit uncomfortable for me. I couldn’t tell her directly that I wasn’t interested, so I let her down gently. I used a strategy in they refer to as “de-marketing” in business. Around her, I said and did all the things I knew she disliked about me. Over time this method worked because not only did her advances become less frequent, I could also sense certain contempt for me. And that’s how things have been between us over the last couple of months. Then yesterday came…

People like hearing good things said about them. They fish for compliments in various ways. The most popular is when a person will say something self-deprecating in the hope that you will disagree with them and actually say the opposite. Being the aggravator that I am, I always keep quiet or simply agree with them.

When Zoe asked me what I think of her, I tried to evade the question. She kept pressing on and on. I gave her the usual you’re-a-nice-person riff-raff but she didn’t buy it. She wanted the “honesty”. I was cornered and had no choice but to tell her like it is. I told her I thought she was lazy, negative and an attention-seeker and a whole lot of other stuff I can’t remember. I wasn’t being malicious or anything like that. I tried to be as nice as possible. She was surprisingly cool about it, in fact she thanked me for being straight forward. The whole thing went off rather painlessly. Or so I thought.

When I went to their house after work she brought up the whole thing again. She wanted me to explain and give examples of all the things I’d “accused” her of. Like a fool, I did. To say that she went off would be putting it mildly. She went crazy and started going on about how dare I say all the ugly things I’d said about her. Who the hell do I think I am? She went on about how I also have problems just like everyone else and blah blah blah…

Correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t she the one that asked for my honest opinion? Mind you, all this time Kevin is just sitting there silently, watching the Weakest Link. I asked him to mediate. He didn’t. I decided to ignore Zoe and watch TV too. A minute or 2 later, I jokingly suggest that Kevin should enter the show. I was being sarcastic, of course, seeing that his general knowledge does leave a bit to be desired. He knew I was being sarcastic. But Zoe just had to butt in a say I’m only saying he should enter the show because I think he’s dumb. Needless to say, he got upset. Before I knew it, I had the two of them so upset with me that I was even asked to leave. I found that funny. They were both reacting the way I wanted them to.

I don’t know what it is about me that makes me enjoy getting reactions from people. I especially enjoy it when they freak out. I always test the boundaries to see how much I can get away with.

Anyway, for now I don’t think I’m welcome at their house. For the sake of peace, I’ll take the higher road and apologize. What do you think of: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean all the ugly things I said. You’re not a bad person at all and I know some sort of therapy will bear me out one day”?

Only in America

2005-07-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

While driving to work this morning, I heard the following story on the radio. The story was published on: www.watleyreview.com .

Charges may be filed against a family which manipulated photos of their missing daughter to spur rescue efforts, according to Texas officials.

"It has become apparent that this family has provided false information to law enforcement and to the media for the purpose of extorting a greater level of assistance in the search for Francine Keyes," said Texas governor Rick Perry. "I can only say that this news is deeply disturbing to all of us, and that we are not ruling out the possibility of legal action."

Francine Keyes, age 11, went missing from a camping trip with family friends on June 12 in Big Bend National Park. Thousands of law enforcement officers and volunteers spent days combing the park and surrounding regions. The girl was located unharmed on Friday June 17 in the company of an unemployed drifter named Gregory Stokes, who has been arrested and charged with aggravated kidnapping. The initial euphoria of the find, however, was soon offset when the first television footage of the rescue hit the airwaves.

"At first I thought the kidnapper had dyed her hair, you know, to make her less easy to recognize," said Maria Baker, one of the volunteers who spent 50 hours last week searching. "Then I thought, wow, that week in the wilderness sure was rough on her. Then I saw a closeup, and I thought, man, did a bear get her too?"

It turns out that Francine's family had doctored the photo released to police and the media in order to make her "more appealing" and spur a wider rescue effort. In the picture, she is a perky, cute blonde girl somewhat resembling Lindsay Lohan.

"In actuality, Francine is neither perky nor blonde," said a grim-faced Perry. "In fact, her picture is mainly a testament to her father's skills with Photoshop."

Media networks are squirming, faced with the fact they cannot avoid airing pictures of the girl after the intensive media coverage of the search all last week.

"This is supposed to be the windfall time; the triumphant return of a photogenic kidnapping victim plays great with the 18-35 viewing audience, and can boost advertising revenues for months with follow-up stories on her return to normal life," said Stacy Umbridge, a producer at CNN. "For crying out loud. The girl's got a gap between her front teeth big enough to drive a car through."

The Keyes family has defended their actions, arguing that there are only five or six slots for widespread searches in a given TV season, and if they didn't give their daughter "every advantage" she wouldn't have made the cut.

"This season we've already had Natalie Holloway and Brennan Hawkins, two really high-profile cases with very appealing protagonists," said Alan Keyes, Francine's father. "Heck, Francine used to scare the cat whenever she smiled. What were we supposed to do?"

The state of Texas has grudgingly concluded that it cannot charge the Keyes family for the search and rescue effort, since Francine's disappearance was the result of an actual crime (unlike recent runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks). However, CNN is considering filing a civil suit.
"Our viewership drops fifteen percent every time we show the real picture of this girl," said Umbridge. "I'm sorry, but CNN has journalistic standards, you know. At least put a wig on the poor girl."

Smile for the cameras

2005-07-07T03:17:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a friendly guy. That’s why I feel that people find it easy to connect with me, especially ladies. However, the friendly banter sometimes turns to innocent flirting. Because I spend most of my waking hours at work, it’s where most of this flirting occurs. The ladies will flirt with me, I’ll flirt with them and that’ll be it. In the rare occasion, a kiss will ensue, but that too will result in nothing.

Consequently, I’ve earned myself a bit of a reputation as the office flirt. Every time I’m seen with a lady, people automatically assume that something is up. Their assumptions may have been true in the past but since I’ve been involved with Felicia, it’s all been innocent. But it seems that my colleagues haven’t yet warmed up to the idea of Bryan the Boyfriend (sorry Greg).

This has been especially evident in the last 3 days. There’s a new lady at work and because she knows no one here, Kevin and I have been absolute gentlemen by welcoming her and making her feel at home. We’ve spent a lot of time with her, in and out of work. The thing about this chick is that she’s professional flirt. Kevin and I have not been immune to her antics. She’s one of those of those girls that will flirt with you so much but cools off as soon as you try to reciprocate.

My buddy Kevin has unfortunately been ensnared by the trap. She’s been flirting with him non-stop, so much that he’s actually started liking her. He attempted to kiss her the other day but she would have none of it. Since then, they’ve sort of kept some distance from each other. With me, everything’s remained the same.

She’s been coming to my office everyday and vice versa, which is basically how we’ve always done things. The only difference is that Kevin is not there most of the time. People, especially chicks, who’ve seen the two of us together are certain that something is happening between us. I’ve had 4 people come to me this week congratulate me on my “new chick”. I’ve explained to them that I’m happily involved with Felicia and that nothing is happening between me and the new chick. They’re not buying it.

I’ve told her and it doesn’t bother her. Why should it, it’s not true. What we’ve decided to do is to have a little fun with the situation and actually act like we’re seeing each other. They already think that don’t they? We’re gonna hug, hold hands a basically do all the things that couples do, within the company policy, of course (I’m not sure what it says about that sort of thing) every time we see the “paparazzi”. This is as close as I’ll come to being a celebrity, let me lap it up.

It’s a dangerous game but goodness knows this place needs something to spice things up.

Why?

2005-07-06T03:15:00.000-07:00

I saw Wicker Park, starring Josh Hartnett, the other day. It’s quite a well-made movie. The central theme, and this just my opinion, is how love can make you do crazy things. The movie goes back and forth in time revealing the story from each character’s perspective. The story is about a man (Hartnett), caught in an obsessive search for a woman he fell deeply in love, who suddenly vanished without a trace. Two years after her disappearance he catches a glimpse of her in a local bar and begins a search to find her and to discover what really happened.

The main cause of everything in the movie was because of someone did not understand why something was happening, or not happening. That got me thinking a little. It doesn’t matter what’s happening to or around you, if you know why it’s happening, you can handle anything.

Think about it this way. If you have 2 kids and you give a sweet to one and not to the other, the one that doesn’t get will get upset, quite justifiably too. But if you explain to them and make them understand the reason, there will be less friction.

That’s how I’m trying to live my life these days. I try to find out why things are happening to me, why people act the way they do and I can say it’s been working quite well. I’m more at peace now. Try it out and see. And watch Wicker Park. It’s a good movie.

And so it continues to rain on me

2005-06-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

I love animals. Dogs, more specifically. Especially little helpless ones. This wasn’t always the case however. It wasn’t more than years ago that I loathed dogs, but this was mostly out of fear.

Then one day my mother brought home the cutest little flat-coated retriever. I fell in love with him immediately. Towards the end of last year I adopted another dog that a woman I work with didn’t want. Since then I’ve developed a soft spot all animals.

Last night I was driving home on an unlit road when a cat jumped out of nowhere in front of the car. I felt him going under the car and when I looked through my rear view mirror. He was lying on the road motionless. I stood shocked for a while. I realized that there was nothing I could do for him. I drove home.

This morning I saw him lying next to where I hit him. The only consolation (if I can call it that) was that I didn’t run over him, I just him. He was just too small to make it. This is the second cat I’ve hit now in 2 weeks in almost the same spot. The first one survived. I only grazed him.

I shared this with some of my co-workers and a couple of them got really upset with me. There were a couple of “I’m so disappointed with you Bryans”. But it honestly wasn’t my fault. This things just jump onto the road and even if you wanna brake or swerve, you can’t. It happens too quickly. In the last 6 months alone I’ve hit a dog, 2 birds and 2 cats. The birds had the option of flying higher so I wasn’t too bummed about them. The rest I really wish I could undo.

PEOPLE NEED TO LOOK AFTER THEIR DAMN PETS!

Caught off my guard

2005-06-27T04:24:00.000-07:00

Where do I even begin? I know, I’ll start at Warren’s wedding. I got me a hot date (Miss SA), got my Armani suit (not really Armani) and I was good to go. I picked up date and we headed for Cathcart. We checked into a little hotel called The Royal. From that name you can just imagine what kind of place it is.

She went to change in the bathroom while I got ready. When she eventually walked out, she looked soooooo hot. She was wearing one of those tight-hugging evening dresses.

We drove to the chapel and shortly afterwards we made our way to the reception. I couldn’t wait to start dancing so I could get my body up against hers. I didn’t have to wait for too long. After 1 or 2 speeches, they had the first dance to Westlife’s Unbreakable. When it got to the second verse, it was a free for all.

After this and many other dances and festivities, it was time to head back to the hotel. When we got there, I told her we would be sleeping in separate beds (who was I kidding?) She just laughed it off. She probably knew that I had no idea of what I was talking about.

She lied on top of the bed, still in her dress. I glanced at her and I just saw these amazing curves, which even the most advance braking system in the world would have a hard time contending with. I climbed on the bed and lied next to her. She gave me one of those “come hither” looks and in no time we were making out heavily.

I don’t remember which one of us switched off the light but I do remember being under the blankets where a lot of touching and petting was taking place. Before I realized, she was pulling my pants down. Her intentions were clear, she wanted to have her way with me.

Let the reader know that I don’t fornicate. Yes, I called it that and this is purely my choice. I have before but I just don’t it. At least up until that night.

With everything happening as quickly as it did, I had the presence of mind to stay the gentleman that I am, so I helped the lady out of her dress. My Goodness. J-Lo, Naomi Campbell, Angelina Jolie. They all have nothing on her. Felicia (let’s call her that) had a body that wouldn’t quit and when I say it wouldn’t quit, I mean it wouldn’t quit.

When I took the decision to stop fornicating (get used to it), I thought I would feel remorse if I ever broke my fasting. I didn’t. I wanted more. I got more. I got sex and a girlfriend, the two things I least expected to. The scary thing is that I think Felicia could be the one, scary in a good way, of course. I just have to keep servicing my brakes regularly if I’m to stand any chance against those curves.

Guess who's back!

2005-06-23T03:23:00.000-07:00

Not that anyone has noticed, but yes, I’m back. As much as I didn’t really have a reason for leaving (except a little more extra work), I don’t have a reason to come back. I see there are a lot of South Africans that are blogging, damn good blogs too.

I had a few minutes to spare and I decided to check out my blog and lo and behold, there’s a comment. It’s from this lady. And now thanks to her I’ve decided to come back. And I see that after months of not posting, Greg posted yesterday.

Before I jump right back into the swing of things, I feel I need to share what’s been happening to me since I last posted. And goodness knows it’s a lot. Tomorrow I will give a summary of everything and from Monday, I’m back for good.

Warren goes large

2005-04-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted in a while. That’s because I’ve been on holiday for the last 10 days and I only get to blog from work.

I had a really nice rest and didn’t get myself into too much trouble. Where do I start? Oh I know, Warren’s night off aka Warren goes large.

Since Warren left our company at the end of January, we haven’t been seeing a lot of each other. We still speak on the phone everyday but it’s just not the same. He’s been busy preparing for his wedding next week and his fiancé has been keeping him on a short leash.

2 Fridays ago her friends took her out for a female stag party (I don’t know what you call those). It was gonna be an all-nighter. That meant a free pass for Warren. He called me up and told me.

The plan was for me to pick him up from home when his fiancé left and from then we were basically free to go hog wild until 6 o’clock the next morning.

I picked him up just after 9 and we made our way to a beerfest they had in town. When we got there, it wasn’t what we’d expected. Instead we found a lot of young school kids trying to get sloshed on cheap booze.

We decided to leave for Buccaneers but it was also dead. It was packed with drunk old people who looked like they’d been drinking since midday. Our options were rather limited. We couldn’t even go to Numbers, our favourite spot, because they had an over 30’s party. That’s the thing with East London. There’s really not much to do on a Friday night. A desperate situation called for a desperate measure.

There’s a really dodgy place called Champs that we always make fun of. It’s not such a bad place but the people that go there are really shady. We decided to go there. We knew we were safe because no one that knows us would be there.

One thing I can say about Champs is that they have really hot bar ladies, who ask the patrons for money, I might add. Not tips. They directly ask for the exact amount they want. Hey, I never said the place was classy.

One of the bar ladies started making conversation with Warren and I. We lied and told her we were from Cape Town and were only in town for the night on a business trip. She looked interested. Did I mention how hot she was?

Unfortunately we weren’t too comfortable in our surroundings and so we decided to leave to check if there had been any improvements at the beerfest. No such luck. We tried Buccaneers. Same thing. Champs was our last hope. But before we went there, we saw a couple of cars outside a place called Imbizo, a restaurant cum nightclub. It’s relatively new and it’s perceived to be a Black club.
We wanted to party so we thought we’d check it out. The guy at the door told us to give it an hour or so and it will be packed. He wasn’t lying. We were there a couple of minutes and the place was starting to come alive. We got drinks and started to mingle. And contrary to popular belief, there were people of all races at Imbizo.

Warren made small talk with a big fat Black chick. Her friends called her Mama Africa. As it turned out, Mama Africa was a goose that lays golden eggs because shortly after Warren started speaking to her, she was surrounded by all her hot friends, one which had a boyfriend present but for some reason kept eyeing me.

The music started getting good or was it the drinks kicking in, it’s hard to tell. We started dancing. The place is small so people were really on top of each other. If you’ve seen that dance scene on Matrix Reloaded, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

There was this really really hot girl. Her moves were so exotic everyone wanted a piece of her. Warren included. We didn’t know her name so I called her Melanie, but Warren said no ways. “Melanie’s an accountant, this chick is Jade or Caprice.” Porno star names if you ask me. But if you saw her dance, you’d know why Warren felt the way he did.

Jade started getting closer and closer to Warren. They made eye contact. She smiled. They danced some more. And just as things were getting interesting, her friends came and left with her. Needless to say, my friend was bummed. And I don’t think he quite fully enjoyed himself after that.

Before long we were surrounded by another group of chicks. One of the really had it bad for Warren. She was bumping and grinding him and since this was his night, I didn’t really mind. I stood back and watched. Things were really getting heated. I went to the bathroom. No, not for that you pig. I needed to take a piss.
When I got back Warren was nowhere to be found. I looked for him for about 5 minutes. Eventually he came out of nowhere looking a little rattled. He told me that he’d been hiding from the chick he was dancing with because after I left, she dragged him to her car and wanted to have her way with her. He’d have none of it. None.

After a while we got back onto the dance floor. The chick that had been checking me out when we first arrived soon made her way towards me. Soon we were doing our own bump and grind. Her boyfriend saw us and politely pulled her away from me. They stood talking for a couple of minutes. Then he made the mistake of going to the bar. In an instant she was back in my arms. This time she was keeping a look out for him. I also got Warren to watch him. I enjoyed myself while the forbidden fruit lasted but at the end, it was the boyfriend that went home with that piece of ass.

After that things sort of went downhill for me, but not for Warren. Every able-bodied chick was just throwing herself at him. I don't know what it is about married or engaged guys that chicks find so irresistable.

Just like the chick with the boyfriend, at the end of the night Warren was faithful and went home alone. He could have gone home with 3 or 4 or 5 chicks that night. So I beg to differ with Chris Rock when he says that a man is only as faithful as his options. But then again, if Jade hadn't left with her friends, who knows...

Gone but not forgotten

2005-03-11T06:26:00.000-08:00

This has been a rather boring, both at work and at play. Nothing worth writing about happened. When that happens, I normally go read all my favourite blogs for a bit of excitement. But for some strange reason, even my favourite bloggers had nothing to offer this week. Why, I wonder.

To keep myself occupied, I decided to read my favourite blog of all time. I read his very first posts, the ones he posted long before I started blogging. All I can say is the guy’s a genius. No wonder he had such a huge reader base. His writing was totally enchanting.

Even though he’s stopped posting, I’m sure others, like me keep visiting his blog just in case he’s decided to come back. He had his reasons and I fully respect them, but that doesn’t stop me from keeping the faith.

Hey Mama

2005-03-07T04:46:00.000-08:00

There’s something that’s been happening for many years now, something I’ve been blatantly ignoring for as long. Fat chicks love me. I can think back as far as 1997 when I first noticed that larger women have a liking towards me.

At the top of my head I can name 5 fat chicks that would jump my bones in an instant if they got the chance today. The latest to join the list is Kevin’s new housemate.

Before she moved in last week, I’d only seen her once, when she came for the interview. Since then I’ve seen her another 2 times. Already she’s sms-ing me, e-mailing me and calling me all the time. Last night she sent me an sms about her bed being a bit chilly and needed me to warm it up with her. I declined the offer.

Questions have arisen in my mind about why this is happening and so far I haven’t managed to come up with anything satisfactory. But if I were forced to come up with an answer, I’d have 2.

Personally, I prefer skinny chicks. That means whenever I’m around fat chicks, I act normal, almost as if I was around guys. I’d even go so far as to say, I’m extremely confident. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t confidence one of the most attractive qualities a man can have? When these women see a man who’s no intimidated by them, it just says all the right things about the guy, hence the attraction.

The second reason is somewhat related to the first. I’m not the skinniest guy in the world but I’d say I am on the small side. Because of the way I am around larger women, it would be easy to mistake my confidence as arrogance or cockiness. These women see this “cocky, skinny” guy and they just wanna break me in half. The idea of suffocating me, to teach me a lesson, may be very appealing to them.

But what am I to do. The heart wants what it wants. I like smaller girls. Tie me up and hang me from a tree for it.

The higher road

2005-03-07T04:10:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those gloomy days that make you feel sad for no reason. And it has nothing to do with my weekend because nothing significant really happened.

Saturday I lazied around the house all day. Spent some much needed quality time with the family. Had a heart to heart with the old lady and played with the dogs. Yesterday I went to see an ex of mine who is in town for the week. I hadn’t seen her in over a year. She looked hot.

Considering the way I treated her when I wanted to break up with her, she should be given a medal for being as civil and courteous as she is to me. I feel ashamed every time I see her. But being the decent person that she is, she’s put all of that behind her and moved on with her life.

I don’t know if she has a boyfriend or not but I felt bitter regret for having let her go for absolutely no reason. As badly as I would like to have her back, and, with a little effort, probably could, I will not pursue her. She’s too good for me. And besides, there’s too much crap happening in my life at the moment.

There’s Felicia (Miss SA). I still wanna see what will eventually happen between us. She sms’d me this weekend. Nothing much but an sms nonetheless, an unsolicited one at that.

There’s also my unquenched lust for Debbie. I doubt if that will ever result in anything. But as long as I still think I’d take the opportunity if it presented itself, I have no business wanting my ex back. She always has had a soft spot for me and it would be worse than cruel to exploit it.

Until I sort myself out, I guess I’m stuck with all the women I don’t care about.

Wedding Blues: That settles it!

2005-03-03T06:08:00.000-08:00

I did do my disappearing act and actually went to meet up with Felicia (Miss SA finalist). Like I said, it was worth whatever would come my way for going missing in action. Luckily, no one noticed.

Not that I’d never noticed before but that chick’s got an award-winning ass. The pants she was wearing today enhanced all herbest features. I tell you, as long as I’ve got a face, Felicia will always have a place to sit.

We chatted for about 45 minutes after which I really had to go back to work. We made loose plans to meet up soon.

Not taking anything away from Debbie, I think I’ve got a date for Warren’s wedding now. It doesn’t take a nuclear physicist to work which of the 2 chicks would give me greater satisfaction, and greater satisfaction. Mind you, after what I’ve seen her do on the dance floor, Debbie has all the potential to get real freaky.

I still need to ask Felicia, but judging from how things went today, asking will just be a formality.

It’s about bloody time my luck turned around.

Wedding Blues: 2 down, 2 to go

2005-03-02T22:51:00.000-08:00

Well it seem that my quest to find a date for the wedding has been simplified for me. In a way.

Katie called me 2 days ago and before I got a chance to say anything she told me that she just wants to apologize for being a bitch about what happened on New Years. That said, she made it clear that she feels that we should continue to not see each other. This is all before I’d gotten a chance to say anything. I said cool and that was that.

Amanda, on the other hand, was supposed to come and have lunch with me here at work. All the arrangements were made. But she was gonna see her other friends that I work with before. I was cool with that because my lunch is flexible and so I’d be able to take it whenever.

She came and after about 20 minutes she came to me to tell me that her boss had called and she had to go back. Bummer! She promised to e-mail me, which I did well to not take to heart because she never did. That’s it. It’s time to move on, which leaves me with Debbie.

Just to test the waters, I’m gonna call her tomorrow to invite her to join me for coffee. My expectations are in the right place, so I’m going in with an open mind. And even if that doesn’t work, I’ve just been handed a life line.

I’ve just received a call I used to study with in Cape Town. She’s in town just for today and wants to see me. I’m planning to sneak out in the next hour to go see her. If I get into crap for it and I get this chick, believe me it’ll be worth it. I’m talking Miss South Africa finalist 2003 here.

The cool thing is that she’s moved back from Cape Town and stay about an hour’s drive from East London, which means I can see her whenever. And the bonus is, she’s single. She told me.

Wedding Blues

2005-03-01T03:27:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but Warren is getting married next month. Despite all the pressure from his dad to invite distant family instead of Kevin and I, we cracked the nod.

The wedding takes place on the 9th of April but we have to submit our dates’ names by the 9th of March for sitting arrangements and all.

The problem, however, is that I’ve got no idea on who to take. My options are:

Katie: This may be a little risky considering what happened between her and Warren on New Years. After a drunken make out session with both me and Warren, and then discovering that he was engaged, I don’t think it would be a good idea to take her.

Since that night she hasn’t been talking to me. She did, however, sms me the other day just to say hi. I also saw her at Numbers 2 weeks ago. We didn’t speak. But I did put on a nice little show for her. I got all the nice looking chicks I know to act like they were flirting with me, knowing full well that Katie was watching. That seems to have worked because last night she sms’d again but nothing concrete was said. Hi, small talk, goodbye.

Last night presents a bit of a problem.

Debbie: Katie and Debbie are friends, cousins to be exact. And I think Katie is the more influential of the two. After my fall out with Katie, I changed my focus to Debbie, but in a very subtle way. Katie picked up on that and gave me hell for it. I laid low for a while but after seeing Debbie at Numbers 2 weeks ago and doing a very erotic dance with her, I decided screw Katie, I’m going for Debbie.

Debbie knows about my history, if I can call it that, with Katie and yet she still talks to me. I bumped into her yesterday and we made small talk. I was still planning in my mind how I’m gonna approach her, when I got Katie’s sms. That sort of threw a spanner in the works.

If I make a move for either one of them, the other will surely find out. My gut says I should go for Debbie but seeing that Katie is trying to make amends with me, she might not take too kindly to that. Consequently, she could sabotage the mission. Like I said, she has a lot of influence on Debbie.

If I go for Katie, not only are my chances of success a bit on the low side, (she could just only wanna be friends) but Debbie would be lost to me forever.

As Ivana Humpalot said in Austin Powers 2: “What to do, what to do?”

Then there’s Amanda: She and Warren sort of had something about a year ago. That was after Warren had had it bad for her and got rejected. He then laid low for a couple of months after which she was the one going after him. Talk about too little too late. She called him to come over to her place one night and he just said: “I’m sorry I can’t. I’m at my girlfriend’s right now (his fiance’). They haven’t spoken since then. But she and I have. In fact she’s coming to have lunch with me at work sometime this week.

She and I are on very good terms and I wouldn’t mind seeing something happen between us. We e-mail each other a couple of times a week but it’s never anything concrete. I think she see us as just friends and I don’t wanna mess that up. The fact still remains, I don’t have a date. Warren has told me, though, that if I take her to the wedding, he would personally throw me out.

There are also a couple of chicks here at work but I wanna have them as a last resort.

I have a week or so to conjure up something. Will keep you posted.

Suicide

2005-03-01T00:39:00.000-08:00

I heard this song on the radio for the first time today. It's not actually a song. It's words spoken over some music. Thought I'd share it.

SUICIDE

By Bobby Gaylor © 1999

Animals don't have a choice. If they're not happy with their place in the world... too bad. They have to live the life they've been given. Humans, on the other hand, don't have to. We have a choice. If you don't like your place in the world you can get off anytime you want.Suicide. That's right.You don't like the way your life's going, you don't like the way you are in the world,anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.Animals aren't allowed that thought and believe me, if they were, they would use it.

There'd be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes that live in high-rises, diving out the windows.Zebras... if they even had remotely that thought would take a look at themselves and go,"What the F*#K! Black & white in a green & brown world... this blows.I'm just gonna jump in the river.... I don't have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife or even open a jar of pills.I'm just gonna dive into the next lion's mouth. Why even bother?"Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.

Now, there's a bunch of people that say, "Oh, it's against the law".Well, it's only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught.Other people say, "Oh, we should save them". Yeah, well you know what?Not everybody wants to be saved. Not everybody should be saved. And who are we to force our will upon them?I mean, isn't that one of the joys about being a human? Freedom of choice? Now, it's not all bad. Now, I'm not saying "Kill yourself". But if you're gonna be an idiot and do it anyway, it's no sweat off of my back.There's a lot of good that could come from it. A little bit of bad thrown in.

Some of the things:
A job will open...
An apartment will become available...
There'll be more air for me...
They say there's two girls for every guy - if you're a man, there'll be four chicks for me...
There'll be more Ketel One vodka for me...
There'll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their F*#King slips filled out...
I won't ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips and have the clerk point at you and say, "They bought the last bag"....
You won't help change the McDonald's sign to a Hundred Billion Served...
You'll never get AIDS...
You won't have to worry about calories ever...
No more, "Hey, does this make me look fat?"...
There'll be one less polluting human...
You won't have to recycle...
There'll be one less car on the road...
There'll be more Ring Dings for me...
Fifty or so chickens' lives will be spared...
Your fingers won't ever get red from eating pistachios...
You won't be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore...
No more church...
You'll be saying, "Hey, World - Kiss My Ass!"...
No more wet dreams about Supermodels...
No more Barry Manilow... For a few years anyway...
Wondering "Am I a loser?" will be a thing of the past...
Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles...
You won't have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion...
F*#K flossing and brushing...
You'll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare...
Adios, Acne...
Worrying whether you fit in or not won't be on your brain...
See ya later, homework...
You'll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park... Schools out forever....
No more paying bills...
You won't have to do chores...
You won't be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though...
You'll also miss McDonald's French Fries...
Bugs Bunny...
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time...
You won't be able to watch the letterbox director's cut of Jaws...
Candy...
Living above ground...
Pudding crust... Y
ou'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment...
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to "F*#K Off!I gotta make my own mistakes....you did"...
You'll miss sex - you'll miss thinking about it, looking for it, sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners...
No more summer nights that seem to go on forever...
Roller coasters....
Naming your kid the name you always wanted...
Making a difference in the world...
You'll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics...
Watching your neighbor's wife change clothes with her blinds open...
A lifetime of masturbating...
Watching your favorite team sweep the series...
Music... You will definitely miss music... T
rying to sneak into your house drunk - three hours past your curfew...
You'll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks...
The taste of Captain Crunch...
If you're a boy, you'll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl's shirt...
If you're a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy's pants...
You'll miss your favorite coat...
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries...
Beating your friends at video games...
You won't be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be...
You'll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love - thirty years after the fact...
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas...
Skinny dipping...
Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin...
Flying cars...

Hey, you were born - Finish what was started.

African Express

2005-02-28T04:13:00.000-08:00

Last week I went on my first trip into deepest, darkest Africa. In fact it was my first trip anywhere, considering that I’d never been outside South Africa. Tanzania and Malawi were the destinations.

The people I work with have always told me how bad Africa is. They’ve always made it sound like this abyss which no one could survive for very long. I’ve never taken anything they said to heart. I just figured they were little wussies that have grown up in sheltered environments and protected from the hardships of the real world.

My boss and I arrived in Tanzania and it was blazing hot. Not just hot, humid too, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But that was no sweat (it was).

When we went to get our bags, it was a rather long wait, and it being Tanzania, I understood. After a couple of minutes, my boss’ bag appeared. Cool, mine should appear shortly. At least that’s what I thought.

The next thing the conveyer belt stops. I acted cool. It was possible that my boss could be playing a prank on me and I didn’t wanna give him the satisfaction of seeing me in a panic.

Anyway, this walks up to me and asks me if there’s a problem. I tell him yeah, I can’t find my bags. He calls me over to some shabby looking office and asks me for my ticket. He compares the numbers to a piece of paper he’s holding and then goes: “ Relax man, your bags are not lost. They’re still in South Africa.” Then he breaks into hearty laugh. “There’s a flight coming in at 7 this evening, but you know what, they’re not on that one either. They’ll be here tomorrow.”

I don’t know if it’s just me but I didn’t see anything funny about that. My boss, who’s also getting a little annoyed, asks the guy, in a stern voice, where the nearest South African Airways office is. Suddenly the guy doesn’t understand a word of English. I’m starting to get pissed off but I don’t show it. You don’t wanna mess with these guys in their own back yard.

We decide to walk away from that prick to find the guy we were in Tanzania to see. Sure enough we find him and he drives us to the SAA office.

The guy in charge is very helpful and manages to get my bags onto the flight that’s coming at 7 the same day. We say cool but even though the bags are coming the same day, we’d only get them tomorrow because we had no transport. I had nothing on me. No shirt, no toothbrush, no underpants.

The guy says he’ll sort me out. He walks out and comes back with some money. He says: “That ought to do it.” He gives me 79000 Tanzania Shillings. That’s $75 US. Bonus. We leave.

The guy we were visiting arranged for someone to pick me up from the hotel at 7 to go get my stuff. 7 came and we went to get my bags. Sure enough they were there, lying on the floor, with no one keeping an eye on them. I picked them up and left.

G.A.F.'s

2005-02-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

Warren was telling me about how some guy at his new job is on to the fact that he’s not what everyone thinks he is ie. a smart, diligent, creative guy. It’s not that he’s not these thing, but it’s just that it’s not to the extent that everyone would expect.

This guy keeps going to Warren to suss him out, but he does it in a subtle way, or so he thinks. He probes with little questions and wise-ass comments. So far he hasn’t been able to crack Warren, but if he’s not careful, it’s only a matter of time before they nail him.

Having been in this situation a couple of times myself, my advice to Warren was to stick to GAF’s (Generally Accepted Facts).

You can’t go wrong with that. It’s all about making the obvious sound like a nuclear physics. It just depends on the timing and the context.

Keeping quiet in meetings does nothing for you. It doesn’t make you seem clever and it could potentially be damaging. Rather than keeping quiet, just identify the smartest sounding person in the room and ride their coattails. When they say something clever, you point at them and silently nod your head in acknowledgement. For extra effect, you can add in facial expressions that say: “hey, I was just about to say that.”

But if someone picks on you and you’re forced to stand on your own, repeat something someone said earlier (in your own words, of course) but whatever you do, stick to GAF’s.

Jailbird

2005-02-15T06:24:00.000-08:00

The canteen at work serves really nice food and sometimes you can’t help over-indulging. But you do that, your body doesn’t respond well to it.

The same thing happened today. I had a big lunch and started feeling the effects almost immediately. There was a rumble in my tummy and I knew that in no time I’d be ripping and roaring in the office.

I was, unfortunately, unable to do that because a woman from another department came to sit next to me and it would have been a bit obvious who the guilty party was if there was suddenly a funny smell in the air.

After she’d left I made my way to the toilet for my “me” time. No sooner had I settled down, I heard the door open. I knew it was none of the guys in my passage because I heard someone spray something. I knew it was one of the cleaning ladies.

I think she’s new at her job because what normally happens is that if the cleaning ladies walk into the bathroom and there’s someone in there, they walk out. This one didn’t. She just carried on with her work.

I normally wait for someone to walk out if I’m taking a crap and I hear them come in. I thought I’d do the same thing in this instance.

Before I knew it, 10 minutes had elapsed and the lady was still at it. I was even starting to get drowsy I was so comfortable. My concern was that it wouldn’t long before someone would starting looking for me.

Then I thought, “maybe she doesn’t know I’m here”. I started coughing. I gave the door a little kick. Nothing happened. It was only after I flushed that I heard the door open. I listened carefully. Silence. Freedom. I washed my hands and got out of there as soon as possible.

Dinner for 13

2005-02-15T01:50:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I were a little late for the dinner last night. It was partly my fault. At work they were selling red stickers in support of the Heart Foundation or some heart organization. Kevin bought one and stuck it on his shirt. After work, to get rid of it, he stuck it on my shirt. This was not the first time. He has this annoying little habit of putting his garbage in my car, bag, pockets etc… So I thought I should teach him a little lesson.

While he was taking a shower, I found the sticker on my shirt. I took it and put it on the seat of the pants he had hung up to wear to the dinner. But it wasn’t just on the seat, it was directly in line with where his hole should be.

He got out of the shower and put on the pants. I couldn’t control myself and so I burst out laughing. He paid no attention to me. But you should have this bright red sticker on his bum. It was the funniest thing ever.

I got into the car and reversed out the gate and while he was closing it he turned around and had his back towards me. This time I really canned myself. He made the whole situation funnier when he asked me what I was laughing at. I told him nothing.

He had a concerned look on his face. I don’t know what he thought I was laughing at but he just wouldn’t climb into the car. I told him it was getting late but he wouldn’t budge. It was nice to see him so self conscious for a change.

After I’d had enough, I told him about the sticker and the relief he expressed was almost tangible. That’ll teach him. You don’t wanna go childish with me. That’s my game.

Anyway back to the dinner.

We got to the restaurant and there were about 6 chicks there, 4 of which I know. But it wasn’t long before the rest of the people starter streaming in. Talk about variety. Almost every type of chick you can imagine was there. Looks wise. And they were all nice people.

On the way to the restaurant I received an sms from Rob after I’d told him about the dinner:” Make every woman feel special. Attention is the key to a girls panties.”

And with that knowledge, I made every effort to pay each of the girls individual attention. Everything was going well until this other walked in to join us. He’s name is Ricky. He walks in carrying about 20 roses which he immediately starts handing out to the ladies.

Oh my word! They were eating it up like it was their last meal. There were even comments like: ”Why are you still single, blah blah blah?” Although that threw me off a little, I recovered nicely and started making jokes about the roses.

Ricky is apparently the “chairman” of the Single Club. In the end there were 4 guys and 9 chicks there. Nice. But just from observation, a lot of those people do not wanna hook up with anyone, at least not with each other. And that presents a problem for Kevin and I because our main reason for going there was to meet chicks we could date. And like I said, there are some real hotties in that group.

We have, however, managed to secure another invitation for dinner tomorrow. And on Saturday they plan to do a 20 km race and there’s a party afterwards. I’m there. I plan to fly below the radar for a while and then pounce when no one thinks I will.

On our way out, Phoebe, the chick I’m eyeing there asked if Kevin and I would be regulars in the Singles Club. I said sure. Muhahahaha muhahahaha muhahahahah.

Dinner for 15

2005-02-14T03:37:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I have been invited to a singles dinner by one Jennifer’s house-mate. Her name is Angela. She’s a really nice person and seems to have taken a liking to me. I don’t wanna mess that up by going for her. Besides, she’s much older.

I’ll just have her as a goose that lays golden eggs. She’s got some hot friends, many of which I’ll be meeting tonight. I can’t wait.
From what I hear, there will be about 15 people going, 10 of which are girls. Me my boy Kev will be spoilt for choice tonight

Not my style but..

2005-02-04T05:35:00.000-08:00

I didn’t really like the way things ended between Candy and I so I decided to give things a second chance. I sms’d her and made arrangements to see a movie and coffee. She said cool. But I made it clear to her that I won’t tolerate any flaking out. Wednesday was the day it was supposed to happen.

But after I spoke to her on Tuesday to confirm everything, I had some reservations about the whole thing. What could I possibly benefit from hooking up with a chick that would be leaving town any day now. Sure she’s hot and all but was she worth all the trouble?

After work on Wednesday I called her to tell her what time I’d be picking her up. She tells me that she’s with a friend of hers and that she feels bad leaving her behind to be with me. She then asked me if it would be fine if the friend came along. Don’t joke. Of course not.

I said I’d call her back to tell her what’s happening…. I never did.

That’s really it this time. I hate treating chicks badly but this one deserved it. She not only stood me up but when I give her a chance to make up for it, she wants to bring a friend? I don’t think so…

Warren and the Fugly Challenge

2005-01-30T23:57:00.000-08:00

Friday is fast stopping being my favourite day of the week at work. Last week was the issue with my boss and my performance review and this last Friday I was trouble-shooting the whole day. And the crappy thing is that it’s other people’s mess that I had to clean up.

And to add insult to injury, Friday was Warren’s last day at our company. Sure I’ve only known him for two years, but he was a “lank good oke”. Him and I got up to a lot of mischief but it was all innocent fun, which added very much needed spice to work. We saw a lot of things the same way and he was always on stand-by to help with whatever problem I had and I’d like to believe I did the same for him.

We had his farewell dinner on Friday. It was chilled and as usual, him and I took charge. In the end, a good time was had by all. At about 10, everyone went their separate ways.

Kevin and I made our way to Numbers. They had house party, featuring one of the best dj’s in the country. But there was another reason I was there…

A challenge was presented to me. I was ready to rise to it but it proved a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. I was supposed to meet a woman I’d never seen before. She calls herself Fugly. The challenge was that I was supposed to walk up to women that fitted the description she gave me and say to them: “hi Fugly”. Not “hi Carmen”, not “hi Alison”, but “hi Fugly”.

I thought I was sufficiently prepared but when I saw how good looking the ladies were at Numbers, it kinda took the wind out of my sails. I managed to calm myself down and regrouped.

The first woman I spoke to, I mumbled the “Fugly bit” but she was so drunk, I don’t think it would have made a difference if I’d shouted at the top of my voice. To make double sure, I asked her if didn’t happen to be a lawyer. I shouldn’t have. I got a 5 minute slur of how she’d studied labour law and blah blah blah. She obviously trying to impress me. I told her I needed to find my friends and left.

With the people I moved on to I tried various methods. One of them is I’d come really close to the girl and act like I’m talking on my mobile and say: “Hi Fugly”. I still didn’t find her.

At about 12:30, Kevin Grenfell, the guest dj, came on. He churned out some banging house tunes and I could no longer continue with my quest to find Fugly. I did, however, look around the dance floor but to no avail.

But there were 2 girls I could not bring myself to approach, who also fitted Fugly’s description. One looked like she was looking for someone but I thought it’d be a crime for me to walk up someone that hot and call them Fugly.

The second one was a professional-looking woman with a nice suit and glasses. But she was with some other guy so I didn’t go for her.

There were others too but like I said, once the good music came on, I lost focus.

But I’ve been thinking of something else too. Fugly and I made on secret of our rendezvous. In fact it was on this blog for all to see. As small as the probability is, what if someone read my blog, went to Numbers and did exactly what I was supposed to do, passing himself off as me. Unlikely but possible.

So Fugly, to be safe, email me.

Over before it began

2005-01-27T03:25:00.000-08:00

Well my little bubble was burst last night when Candy stood me up. We were supposed to meet after she finished work. The crappy thing is that I actually spoke to her about an hour before we were supposed to meet and she confirmed that everything was cool. Then she flaked out on me.

That’s it for me. I don’t take kindly to that sort of thing. And with that, it’s bye bye Candy.

The Tabloids

2005-01-25T04:07:00.000-08:00

I really should have known better than to think could go out with Candy without being seen by anyone who’d recognize me. And as luck would have it, the people that saw me are the very same people that have been telling Heather what a player I really am. I don’t know where or when they saw me, but I am certain of 2 times, of which, one I engineered myself.

On Friday I was at the store where Heather used to work and sure enough, those pricks that once ratted on me were there. But this time I wasn’t alone, I was with a hot chick I work with. I thought I’d have some fun with those and so I asked her if we could give them a little show. She was game.

And almost immediately we started touching and grabbing each other. We did it in a subtle but obvious way so they couldn’t miss it.

On Saturday, when Candy and I were walking to my car after our date, I saw another guy that used to work with Heather. But this one wasn’t present on Friday to see the show I put on for his buddies.

On both occasions I was just having harmless fun and after each occasion, I gave them no further thought.

On Sunday evening, about an about 30 minutes after I’d come back from my second date with Candy, I get a text on my phone from Heather. The exact words: “U such a player! People are talking about how they always see u with diff. chicks. Good nite.”

And I responded: “ It’s actually flattering that people are taking so much interest in my business. U guys are making me feel like a celebrity.”

To my surprise, last night she calls me to check how I’m doing. We chatted for a while as if nothing had happened. She asked me to visit her tonight, which I’m still in two minds about.

What Heather’s ex-work-mates didn’t anticipate is the fact that their bad-mouthing me could make me appear more attractive to her, which I’m certain it has.

Maybe it doesn’t always rain on me.

Cotton Candy III: Why does it always rain on me?

2005-01-24T05:53:00.000-08:00

After work on Friday, I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. So I went to Kevin’s house for a movie. We watched Troy but I was so bushed that I kept falling asleep during the movie. And this was before 21:00.

While watching, I received a call from a number I didn’t recognize but the person hung up before I answered. I never call numbers I don’t know so, naturally, I ignored this one too.

After the movie, as I was getting ready to go home, I remembered the strange number and decided to call it. I had nothing to lose. I just hid my ID and told myself that if it’s a guy on the other end, I’m killing the call immediately. They won’t know it was me.

Fortunately it was a chick. I asked her who she is and she told me. She then said: “You’re looking for Candy, aren’t you?” My heart did a somersault. Sure I said.

I couldn’t believe it. She’d called, finally. She didn’t seem like the same chick I’d spoken to a week ago. She was so friendly and even suggested we meet even before I did. I was just left to fill in the details.

You can’t imagine the excitement. I suggested we meet on Saturday at a struggling (empty) coffee shop where I knew I ran very low risk of bumping into someone who could screw this up for me.

Saturday came and we rendezvoused as agreed. My goodness she looked hot. I couldn’t believe that I’d actually managed to pull it off.

Over drinks we chatted and got to know each other. But it was all done in a fun way. For example:

Her: What do you do?

Me: I’m an underwear model for Calvin Klein.

Her: Wow. That must be a nice job to have.

Me: Like any other job it’s got it’s up and downs.

She liked that.

But I knew that this was all good to be true. No sooner had I thought that, she tells me that she’s going back to Cape Town in about 2 weeks. POP. There went my bubble. But acted cool about it.

After an hour and a half, I dropped her off at home but not before she told me that she stays on her own in her mom’s boyfriend’s place. I don’t know why she told me that…

When we parted she thanked me and told me that we should see each other soon. As if!

My dad always told me never to keep a lady waiting and with that in mind, yesterday I arranged for a second date. I fetched her from her place and we went to see Sharktale. We sat in the cinema all cosy, sharing sweets and popcorn, like a couple.

After the movie, we went back to her place. Before you get carried away, nothing to write home happened. We chatted and joked around a lot. She also showed a naughty side to her, a side I’m planning to explore before she goes back to Cape Town.

Her: You’re so funny

Me: I know. It’s a gift really

Her: Come on, tell me more

Me: No, that’s enough for one day

Her: Don’t make me suck it out you now

Me: Not on the best day of your life little girl

I’m trying to build the anticipation, leaving her wanting more.

I bid her adieu and left without making any arrangements.

I know time is against me but I feel I should lean back and give her some space for the next 2 days. That should nudge things in the right direction. And when we finally meet, the stage will be set for fireworks to go off.

But crap man!!! Of all the chicks that I know, why does this one have to be the one to go. Why does is always rain on me?

Bottom feeder

2005-01-24T02:02:00.000-08:00

Friday is always such a great day for me at work. We get to dress casually and everyone is generally in a relaxed mood.

But last Friday was far from ideal. In fact it was so crappy that even this morning I’m still having to deal with some leftover crap from Friday.

My boss is on his way to Kenya right now. I had to do some prep work with, no wrong, for him on Friday. That meant I couldn’t get any of my work done because at 14:00 we were gonna sit for my Performance Review. This was supposed to take an hour, at the very longest. Try 2 ½ .

He went on and on and on about stuff that was absolutely of no relevance and when it finally got to the actual reason for the review, I was sick of listening to him.

Some background info: We have a rating system from 1-9, 1 being the score you don’t wanna get. No one ever gets 8 or 9. Less than 5 people will get a 7. The majority of the people will get between 4 and 6. If you get 4,5 or 6, you’re considered competent, but in varying degrees. Less than 4, you won’t be working for the company for much longer.

So after talking for what seem like an eternity, my boss finally says I must rate myself. I’d gone into the review hoping for a 5 and naturally, that’s what I gave myself.

Without hesitating, he says: “I’d give you a 4”. I stay calm and simply ask him why he feels that way. He says although I achieved all my objectives for last year, my performance was very “erratic, not consistent”. I ask him if doesn’t matter if I still did everything I was supposed. Then he tries to gat all academic on me and then tells me that 4 is not a bad score at all and blah blah blah.

“You’re a solid 4”, he tells me. I say to him I’d rather be a weak 5. I tell him that my performance was by no means superior and that I wouldn’t dare give myself a 6. Then I follow by saying that it wasn’t weak either so a 4 was definitely out of the question. 5 I’d be happy with because it’s right in the middle. He says no.

Then he has the balls to ask me what I would give him if I had to rate him. I thought to myself, let me inflate his score so that the 4 he’s trying to give me looks totally ridiculous. I said 6 or 7. He says “maybe I’m a 6”. And then he goes into why he feels that way and how my 4 compares to that.

I got up, packed my things and looked at him and said: “Listen A, you’re the boss. You get the final word. If you wanna give me a 4, fine I’ll take it. Just know that I’m not happy with it but I’ll accept it. It’s past home time and I don’t think we’re gonna get anywhere with this arguing.”

He could see I pissed. No one’s ever seen me like that at work. Another time, another place, I would’ve beat the crap out of him.

He then says: “Maybe we should keep it at 5. You’ve made some valid points and I can see how passionate you are about this whole thing.”

Then I said: “ If you don’t wanna give me a 5, you don’t have to. Like I said, I’ll take your 4.”

He says: “Look I’m not a dictator. Like I said, you’ve convinced me. First rule of selling, when you’ve got the sale, shut up.”

I said thanks and left.

Friday was just another example of why I’ll never give more than is expected of me. My boss knows that our salary increases depend on our ratings and yet he wants to give me a crappy one. The money’s not coming out of his pocket for crying out loud. The guy’s just looking out for his own interests and doesn’t give a damn about his employees.

And just to demonstrate my point, I received a call from him this morning. He’s sitting in an airport 1000 kilometres away and all he can think about are ways to screw me over. He called to tell me that I shouldn't submit my rating sheet just yet because he wants to discuss my rating with his boss.

Like I said, most people in the company get 4’s. My boss probably told someone about our POW-WOW and they probably told him he shouldn’t have given me a 5. I know that when my boss and his boss get together, I’m done. That’s fine, they just mustn’t call me in and then suggest that I get a 4. Then…

Prank or...?

2005-01-20T04:21:00.000-08:00

I’ve just received a call on my mobile. I didn’t recognize the voice and I didn’t wanna give the caller the satisfaction of hearing me trying to figure out who he is.
The conversation went as follows:

Me: Hello

Him: When am I getting my money?

Me: You’re not!

Him: Did you hear what I said?

Me: The question here is, did YOU hear what I said.

Him: You’d better watch your back.

Me: Ok

Then he hung up.

There are two possibilities here. 1) This is either a prank or 2) Someone accidentally called the wrong number. In my country, both are equally possible.

If it’s the former, the person should know better. I’m the master of getting reactions from people. I wasn’t gonna fall for such a weak prank.

But if it’s the latter, then I may have gotten someone into trouble… I don’t know a lot of drug dealers but I suspect they don’t have a sense of humour when it comes their money. If that’s the case, someone may be sleeping with fishes tonight.

Cotton Candy II

2005-01-19T23:43:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update. I went to Truworths to look for Candy but unfortunately she wasn’t working. They said she’d only be in on Saturday again. I guess that gives me a couple of days to think what I wanna achieve through and how I’m gonna go about it.

I discussed this whole situation with Warren and he reminded me of how I was in an exactly similar one this time last year, with a girl that works in the same mall on top of that. Things started rather slowly and at one stage I was even, in the words of George Costanza, “rebuffed with extreme prejudice”. A month later, among other parts, she was eating out of my hand.

If I base this Candy situation on what happened last year, then it is simply a matter of time.

I’ll let you know what happens on Saturday.

Dilemna

2005-01-19T04:08:00.000-08:00

One of the things I wanna do this year is to advance my career, or at least do everything in my power to do that it. I’m not a big fan of studying, not because I’m lazy or dumb or anything like that. It’s just that it takes a hell of a lot out of you when you’re also working. I’ve tried it before and I know what I’m talking about.

That said, I was in a meeting yesterday when I had what I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. There was a guy there that was teaching us about a new process that the company needs to implement. He’s just joined us from Holland or something like that. I tell you this guy is as sharp as they come. He’s in IT but ask him about Marketing, Logistics, you name it…right up his alley (dramatic irony.) Just keep reading.

I want him to mentor me so that I can be one up on everyone in my department when it comes to implementing the new process, and maybe others. The thing is, he’s got first-world training and methods, which are foreign to us. I learn a few things from him and then wait for the perfect opportunity to use them. Sounds like a plan, right? Wrong.

The problem is that the guy is gay. Everyone knows it. I don’t have anything against gay people but it’s just that if I do this, I’m gonna have to spend a lot of time alone with this man. Walking up to him to ask him to mentor me might stroke his ego but he may wanna stroke something of mine.

The question that remains then is, is the juice worth the squeeze? He’s not squeezing me that’s for damn sure. Nothing is simple any more.

Cotton Candy

2005-01-19T01:44:00.000-08:00

I like to think of myself as the kinda guy that makes things happen rather than waiting for them to happen. That said, I’m in a situation where I have to stand up and be counted.

During the holidays, I was in Truworths, a posh clothing a store, when I noticed a hottie who works there. I knew she was new because I frequent the store and I know all the chicks that work there. None of them have ever appealed to me. But this new one…

I didn’t do anything then because I was still involved in that whole Heather situation. And maybe I was a bit nervous. If you saw this chick, you’d understand why.

A couple of weeks went by but I kept her in the back of my mind.

Last week Friday, Kevin needed to go to Truworths and so I joined him. I spotted her, looking as hot as ever. I was ready to make my move but when a chick I work with figured out what I was planning to do, she waited around to see me in action. A bit of pressure never killed anybody.

Without thinking I walked straight up to her and introduced myself. She told me her name was Candy. And while were talking, she dropped some clothes on the floor at which I joked about me making her nervous.

I proceeded to ask her for her phone number. She refused to give it. Then I offered her mine. I didn’t have a pen to write it down for her with. I had no choice but to whip out a business card. And just for the record, I don’t like doing that. I work for a company that most people can only dream of working for and I don’t wanna seem like I’m using that to woo her.

She looked at the card and then asked me if it was really my card. I think my nice title didn’t do my cause any harm. She said she might call me.

That was Friday and today is Wednesday and still no call. I’ve got 2 choices now. To go back to where she works and give things a little nudge or to wait around hope for the best. The former is more likely.

If I don’t go today, I’ll definitely go on Friday. I don’t have a plan yet but I’m sure I’ll come up with something. Keep you posted.

Whodathunkit?

2005-01-11T05:22:00.001-08:00

This year I undoubtedly had the best ever start to a year. It’s probably because I didn’t have any expectations. It was raining and we couldn’t really have a house-party because most of our friends were on holiday. William and I decided to go to a New Year’s party that they were having at Numbers. Another reason we went there was because we’d had such a great time when they hosted the same party a year ago. But things were different this year…

Me, my cousin, Lyle, William and his fiancé, Cathy met at William’s place, had a few drinks and then shot through to Numbers.

Things were going rather normal with the usual dancing and a couple of drinks breaks in between. This girl I know, Ursula, also arrived and joined our little circle.

Midnight came. Hugs and kisses all round. The best, however, came from complete stranger. This went on for a couple of minutes and then things went back to normal. Or so I thought…

I’m on the dance floor minding my own business. I looked up and noticed this hot hot chick wearing the shortest mini skirt the law probably allows. Any shorter than that, she’d be taken in for pubic, I mean public indecency.

Wait a sec! I know this chick. It’s Katie. And she’s coming to me. This came as a bit of a surprise to me because I hadn’t spoken to her in months and even then, things weren’t that great between us. In fact some pretty harsh words were exchanged.

She walks up to me and I immediately notice that she’s drunk out of her mind. She gives me a hug and a looooooong kiss. We chat a little and then we start dancing. I don’t know where she learnt to dance like that. We were bumping and grinding and she was touching me and stroking me all over. And naturally, I took full advantage of that.

After what could have been 15 minutes of me vertically expressing a horizontal desire, we then took a break for drinks. She went to her friends and I went to mine. I was still chatting to William when she showed up again. She pulled me close to her, started kissing and touching me again. William was watching all of this and the next thing he’s in the mix. He’s also grabbing, stroking and kissing Katie. I looked around to see where his fiancé was and was relieved to see that she was nowhere to be found. Probably gone to the bathroom or something.

Katie was enjoying all the attention she was getting so much that she told us that her parents were away and that the 3 of us should go back to her place. She’s drunk and probably a little horny and so I pay no attention to her.

Katie, me and William continue our little group activity until William starts worrying about his woman. He goes to look for her, much to Katie’s dislike. But he promises he’d be back.

After a while he comes back to tell me that he can’t find his fiancé anywhere and asks me to help him look. We rope Lyle and Ursula in and start looking. We look and we look and we look. She’s nowhere to be found. Bars, dance floor, bathrooms, parking lots. Nowhere. And before we know it, 2 hours is gone.

And while I was busy looking, I see Katie on the dance floor and with her is Debbie. I’ve had an episode with those two and I know what they are capable of. I decide to take a break from searching and join them. That was probably the wisest decision I’ve made this year. There was no hesitation. I was immediately engulfed in a sandwich of hot bodies with probably 2 of the hottest women in the club.

Katie leaves temporarily and Debbie is all over me like white on rice. She’s breathing on my neck and asking me what fragrance I’m wearing blah blah blah. Katie rejoins us and after a couple of minutes the guys that were giving them a lift wanted to leave. Debbie follows them but Katie asks for another 5 minutes, which she spends with me. And then she left.

I was walking her to the car when we bumped into William who was still looking for his woman. I could tell that he was upset. Katie asked where he’s been and he gave her some story. Then she said those magical words. She dumped the people she’d come with, Debbie included and suggested the 3 of us go back to her place in my car. I said sure. William concurred.

Since I was driving, I suggested that Katie rides in the front with me. William would have none of that. They both get into the backseat. Before long he’s all over her and all I can do is watch through the rear-view mirror. I was almost glad when she suddenly stopped him and said: “Wait a minute. Aren’t you engaged?”
Naturally he denied it. He said she’d left him, which I suppose was true because no one knew where she was. And with that they took up where they left off.

We finally get to Katie’s house and she whips out a bottle of tequila. The 2 of them have stiff tots while I only had some orange juice. I was driving and I needed to have my wits about to take full advantage of the situation I was in or any other that may present itself.

She put on some soft music and made her way to the couch on which *William and I were already strategically positioned, with the only place she could sit on right between us. But that’s not before she took off her high heels. She sat sprawled on the floor struggling to take them off and being the gentleman that I am, I offered to help. As I crouched in front of her with full view of her most intimate bits, my mouth just started watering.

We went back to the sofa and without further ado, started getting all cosy. And then the most significant moment of the whole evening happened.

In the middle of everything that was going on, she said: “ You guys are friends and I don’t want to come between you (actually we wanted her to). I can only have one of you and so you must decide which one of you stays and who goes.” There shouldn’t have even been a debate about it. It was clear. I was the man for the job. 3 reasons. 1)I discovered this chick. 2) William knows how much I’ve been wanting to give her a slice of the apple-pie. 3) William had a woman to get back to after all this.

But do you think he left? Hell no! He’s even got the balls to tell ME to leave and we were still busy arguing when my phone rings and it’s Lyle, asking where we were because out of nowhere, Cathy had appeared, claiming that she’d been looking for us for the last 2 ½ hours. I told him to hang ten for a couple of minutes because we were “driving around looking Cathy” and were on our way back.

Meanwhile William is trying his luck with Katie. I join them. My phone rings again. I give it to William. It’s his fiancé. She’s crying and asking where we are and going crazy. He calms her down and tells her we’re on our way. When he’s done, Katie wants to know who William was talking to. He says his fiancé. She goes crazy. She’s so furious that she kicks both of us out. We co-operate and leave. As we pull out of the parking, she stops us and invites us back in. We go back.

This time she takes us to her bedroom and starts pulling the sheets off the bed. She turns to me and says: “I wanted you and you rejected me. You had your chance and now it’s gone.” Then she turns to William and says: “And you, you lied to me but I suppose I can let you make it up to me.” It was clear. It was game over for me. And right then, my phone rings again and it’s William’s woman again. Katie had had enough and with that William and I were back in the car. This time there was no call back.

It’s been over a week since this happened but I still get upset when I think about it. It gets especially worse on rainy nights when I know that William is cuddling with his woman and I’m lying in an empty bed. To make matters worse, Katie’s not talking to me. She probably never will. But stranger things have happened…

Maybe Debbie has always been the one.

Retribution

2004-12-14T01:31:00.000-08:00

Well, Heather is one tough cookie. I really tried to play it cool with her but just wouldn’t budge. Whatever the guys that she works with said to her must be really hardcore. No calls, no text, nothing, nada, niente.

I’d decided that I’d lost this one and that it was time to move on. But as I was driving to work yesterday, I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. I thought to myself, never mind Heather, I’m not gonna let those pricks get one up on me. I knew what had t be done: do whatever it takes to fix things with Heather and then rub it in their faces…

I got to work and called her. We arranged to meet later in the evening. Considering everything she’d said about wanting nothing to do with me ever again, it was a breeze. I was there hardly 5 minutes before she started confessing her feelings for me. I just gave her the eagle eye, this look that she’s told me a couple of times that she likes. I stared deep into her eyes and then looked away.

To tighten the screws, I started to go on about how much I’d been missing her and how hurt and heart-broken I was by everything that she’d put me through. I looked like I was about to burst into tears (women love this). I remember an episode of Becker where he says that there’s nothing that women like than seeing a man suffering. That’s why they love guys who cry.

Then she pounced on me. I’ve always imagined what chicks can do with tongue rings but that? It was out of this world. Then she starts breathing heavy. I knew it was all over for her. This chick knew what she wanted because the next thing I knew, she had her hand in my pants. I gave it a minute or two and then reciprocated. She shaves. Mind you this is all happening in my car and we’re a little cramped for space.

I moved over to the passenger seat and she sat on top facing me. We took up from where we left off. After minutes of heavy petting and fondling she jumps over to the driver’s seat and starts giving me a hand job. And then she says those magic words: “Can I give you a blowjob”. Whodathunkit? The day before this chick would have nothing to do with me and, now this?

Anyway I refused it. I wanted to give her something to look forward to. And this is the third time this year I’ve declined such an offer. Call me crazy but the thing is I’ve never been one for instant gratification and I guess that also comes with the confidence that when I want one I can get one.

And now everything is set for me to show the idiots that bad-mouthed me to Heather that as Jim Carrey so eloquently said it in Ace Ventura, you don’t mess with the dude.

Tomorrow I’m there and I’m gonna walk up to them and say to one of them: “ She doesn’t shave”. That’s all I’ll say and then I'll sit back and watch them make assholes of themselves by running to her. I’m so gonna love it

"I know a boy"

2004-12-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

I was going through my pc today, clearing up some old files and I came across a poem that Jennifer, a girl I at work I used to have serious thing for wrote for me. As smitten as I was with her at the time, I can now look back and laugh. We’ve both gone our separate ways. She’s dating some ugly, older guy (just had to get that out) and me? I’m still me.

After I told her that I was into her she gave me a whole song and dance about why she wasn’t keen. A couple of days, obviously feeling sorry for me, she sent me this:

I know a boy, and he knows all of me
He keeps the office smiling & always makes great tea

I know a boy; he’s truly one of a kind
He see’s through my soul and even reads my mind

I love that he can, and because of this I know
That no matter how or why, our friendship will grow

I know a boy, who sometimes thinks he’s quite the man
He flirts; he makes jokes and all this…because he can

I know a boy who turns my clouds into blue skies
And no matter the challenge won’t quit until he’s tried

I know a boy who stands tall above the rest
As far as people go, he’s easily one of the best

I also know a girl, who looks at this fine lad
And thinks to herself, is she totally mad???
Not to take up his offer to live happily ever after
And change all that is, the friendship, the laughter

But the thing with this girl, is if she’s not totally keen
She has to be honest, to avoid being mean

So this girl told the boy, in the best way that she can
That friends they will be, but she’ll always be a fan

I know a boy and he really knows me,
But I still work hard to try and let him see
Just how wonderful he is, a truer friend you will not find
Because, not just is he fun, caring and kind

He’s everything anyone would wish they could be
And it’s not just because he makes that great tea

When he walks into a room, heads they do turn
Cos from him there’s a lot that many of us can learn

So what more can one say, words will never tell the story
Not even poetry can give him all the glory

All the girl can do is hope that this boy knows
Just how happy he still makes her, even if through friendship it must be shown

Rounders

2004-12-09T03:35:00.000-08:00

I’ve recently just learnt how to play poker. Rob taught me about a month ago. I’m not a gambler or anything like that. It’s just that I’ve watched too many movies in which they play poker and they’ve always made it look so cool and so much fun.

I’ve played a couple times since Rob’s taught me with varying success. But one thing I picked up is how similar poker is to life, at least mine. At the end of the day, I reckon it’s about making the best of the hand that you’ve been dealt. You could have the best possible hand but still lose out if you don’t know how to use it. Conversely, you could get the crappiest of hands and still come out tops.

I think the key is knowing when to fold, call or raise.

Take a situation I’m in for example. Last week I got chatted up by a chick that works in a music store I buy a lot of my cd’s from. Let’s call her Heather. Since then we’ve called and seen each other a couple of times. She’s a really nice chick and I could tell from the onset that she digs me a lot.

On Monday we kissed for the first time. If it had been up to her, I’m sure we would have done it a lot soon than that. But I knew I had a good hand so I made her sweat it out a little.

Anyway, yesterday she sent me a text saying me that some guy that she works with told her that I’m a womanizer and that I used to want this chick that used to work at their store last year. Anyone who’s ever seen the chick he was referring to wouldn’t blame me for it. She was hot and I wanted her, so what? The only thing I denied was the womanizer bit. I’m not. Honestly…(as if I’d say I am).

Heather believed me and everything was back to normal. We made plans for the weekend and by plans... I mean plans. It’s amazing what you can make someone say when you have a good hand (in the literal sense of the word. Please pardon the pun).

This morning she obviously spoke to the guy again when she got to work because I received a text saying that I lied to her and that she doesn’t think we should see each other again.

Crappy hand! What do I do? Nothing. I didn’t respond. I think that upset her because a couple of minutes later she raised her bet. She texted me to tell me that I must return the cd’s that she’s lent to me.

Now what? Do I fold like a little wimp or do I call her bluff? The latter. I’ll see her and raise her. In fact I’m double raising her. I’m putting all my chips on the table. I’ll return her cd’s. Just not personally . There’s a hot chick that I work with that’s Heather’s seen me with and is a bit jealous of. I’m sending her. That should put a spanner in the works...

I know she likes me so if this works, it’s gonna work big. I won’t just be playing poker with her, I’ll be playing pokeHer. If it doesn’t, I’m bust.

I mentioned earlier that I've had varying success in poker. The same thing's happened in life too and I think the more experience I gain in both, the better my future success rate will be. It's all about trial and error but the most important thing is knowing when to fold.

All in day's work

2004-12-08T06:35:00.000-08:00

I’m sitting here at my desk bored out of my mind. It’s not that I don’t have any work to do. Quite the opposite in fact. This being the last seven days at work, everyone is in a frenzy to get stuff done before the 15th. I, on the other hand, am just cruising. I guess I can’t exactly do anything else since cruising is what I’ve been doing all year. I can only recall 2 times where I was under any sort of pressure. Even then I managed quite alright.

It’s not because I’m lazy that this is the case. In fact it’s all my boss’ fault. Him and I don’t have any kind of relationship except the boss-subordinate kind. All he does is give assignment after assignment. The cool thing is that this is stuff he can’t do which he has no idea how long it takes to do. I can tell him that it will take me 3 days to do something I can do in a morning. He doesn’t know.

Sometimes he asks me to do something and then forgets about it, only to ask me to do the same thing a couple of weeks later. I remember this one time he asked me to something he’d asked me to do about a month before. He then asked me when I would have it done by and I said by lunch time the next day but if I do nothing else that day I could focus on the assignment at hand maybe I could do it by 4pm, 30 minutes before home time. I then went back to my desk and searched for it, found it and got it ready to send to him by 3:45pm. He was so delighted I could have gone home early and he wouldn’t have minded.

There have many other incidents like this one this year. I feel no shame for it. If some guy is gonna give me work, not to build or develop me, but because he doesn’t wanna do it, then I’ll do it on my own terms. The funny thing is just like everyone else in the office claims to be tired, I feel the same. I can’t wait to go on holiday next week.

Oh no you don't...

2004-12-06T04:55:00.000-08:00

Chicks really irritate me sometimes. You remember Charlene right? She went and blabbed to her friends about me wanting her. Sure I did, but she didn’t really need to tell the whole world about it. On Friday 3 people asked me about her but I acted dumb.

To be completely honest, I haven’t done anything that says to her “I want you”. Sure I’ve called her 3 times in as many weeks. But that hardly qualifies as me as suitor. Warren was right on the money when he said:” you haven’t done anything, but you also haven’t done nothing”, describing the conversations I’ve been having with Charlene (my phone can record conversations).

I was upset by this but I told myself that I’m not gonna do anything about it. I did just that. On Saturday a whole bunch of us went clubbing and she came along. From the onset I said as little as possible to her. I wasn’t rude or anything like that but I only spoke to her when she spoke to me. It was clear to me that she doesn’t want me so I didn’t really have anything to lose. The added benefit of doing this is that she looked like a liar to all the people she’d blabbed to. To anyone who saw us, especially me, it was all innocent, friendly banter.

To further stress that I “don’t” want her, when Rob showed up at the club with 4 hot chicks, I spent the entire night moving from one to another, bumping and grinding and doing other things I’m sure the Lord forbids. That kind of dancing takes a lot out of a man and after a couple of songs I sat down to take a break. Charlene came to sit next to me. We spoke a little and after about 2 or 3 minutes, I went back to my girls.

Things didn’t need to get this way. Charlene is a really sweet girl but she should know better than to try to make me look bad. We both know she didn’t tell who she told so they would have a favourable opinion of me…

And you thought Bush was bad...

2004-12-03T02:00:00.000-08:00

The following is a speech made by former South African President P.W. Botha to his Cabinet. This reprint was written by David G. Mailu for the Sunday Times, a South African newspaper, dated August 18, 1985.

A few words of type that were illegible have been deleted and a few sentences may not seem clear; this apparently is due to the translation, however, the thrust remains.
Courtesy of Outreach-Friday September 25, 1987

"South Africa has been made by the White mind for the White man. We are not obliged even the least to try to prove to anybody and to the Blacks that we are superior people. We have demonstrated that to the Blacks in a thousand and one ways. The Republic of South Africa that we know of today has not been created by wishful thinking. We have created it at the expense of intelligence, sweat and blood. Were they Afrikaaners who tried to eliminate the Australian Aborigines? Are they Afrikaaners who discriminate against Blacks and call them Niggers in the States? Were they Afrikaaners who started the slave trade? Where is the Black man appreciated? England discriminates against its Black and their “Sus” law is out to discipline the Blacks. Canada, France, Russia, and Japan all play their discrimination too.

Why in the hell then is so much noise made about us? Why are they biased against us? I am simply trying to prove to you all that there is nothing unusual we are doing that the so called civilized worlds are not doing. We are simply an honest people who have come out aloud with a clear philosophy of how we want to live our own White life. We do not pretend like other Whites that we like Blacks.

The fact that, Blacks look like human beings and act like human beings do not necessarily make them sensible human beings. Hedgehogs are not porcupines and lizards are not crocodiles simply because they look alike. If God wanted us to be equal to the Blacks, he would have created us all of a uniform colour and intellect. But he created us differently: Whites, Blacks, Yellow, Rulers and the ruled.

Intellectually, we are superior to the Blacks; that has been proven beyond any reasonable doubt over the years. I believe that the Afrikaan is an honest, God fearing person, who has demonstrated practically the right way of being. Nevertheless, it is comforting to know that behind the scenes, Europe, America, Canada, Australia-and all others are behind us in spite of what they say. For diplomatic relations, we all know what language should be used and where. To prove my point, Comrades, does anyone of you know a White country without an investment or interest in South Africa? Who buys our gold? Who buys our diamonds? Who trades with us? Who is helping us develop the nuclear weapon? The very truth is that we are their people and they are our people. It’s a big secret. The strength of our economy is backed by America, Britain, Germany.

It is our strong conviction, therefore, that the Black is the raw material for the White man. So Brothers and Sisters, let us join hands together to fight against this Black devil. I appeal to all Afrikaaners to come out with any creative means of fighting this war. Surely God cannot forsake his own people whom we are. By now everyone of us has seen it practically that the Blacks,cannot rule themselves. Give them guns and they will kill each other.They are good in nothing else but making noise, dancing, marrying many wives and indulging in sex. Let us all accept that the Black man is the symbol of poverty, mental inferiority, laziness and emotional incompetence.

Isn’t it plausible therefore that the White man is created to rule the Black man? Come to think of what would happen one day if you woke up and on the throne sat a Kaffir! Can you imagine what would happen to our women? Does anyone of you believe that the Blacks can rule this country? Hence, we have good reasons to let them all-the Mandelas-rot in prison, and I think we should be commended for having kept them alive in spite of what we have at hand with which to finish them off.

I wish to announce a number of new strategies that should be put to use to destroy this
Black bug. We should now make use of the chemical weapon. Priority number one, we should not by all means allow any more increases of them Black population lest we be choked very soon. I have exciting news that our scientists have come up with an efficient stuff. I am sending out more researchers to the field to identify as many venues as possible where the chemical weapons could be employed to combat any further population increases. The hospital is a very strategic opening, for example and should be fully utilized. The food supply channel should be used. We have developed excellent slow killing poisons and fertility destroyers.

Our only fear is in case such stuff came into their hands as they are bound to start using it against us if you care to think of the many Blacks working for us in our domestic quarters. However, we are doing the best we can to make sure that the stuff remains strictly in our hands.
Secondly, most Blacks are vulnerable to money inducements. I have set aside a special fund to exploit this venue. The old trick of divide and rule is still very valid today. Our experts should work day and night to set the Black man against his fellowman. His inferior sense of morals can be exploited beautifully. And here is a creature that lacks foresight. There is a need for us to combat him in long term projections that he cannot suspect.

The average Black does not plan his life beyond a year: that stance, for example, should be exploited. My special department is already working round the clock to come out with a long term operation blueprint. I am also sending a special request to all Afrikaaner mothers to double their birth rate. It may be necessary too to set up a population boom industry by putting up centres where we employ and support fully White young men and women to produce children for the nation. We are also investigating the merit of uterus rentals as a possible means of speeding up the growth of our population through surrogate mothers.

For the time being, we should also engage a higher gear to make sure that Black men are separated from their women and fines imposed upon married wives who bear illegitimate children. I have a committee working on finding better methods of inciting Blacks against each other and encouraging murders among themselves. Murder cases among Blacks should bear very little punishment, in order to encourage them. My scientists have come up with a drug that could be smuggled into their brews to effect slowly poisoning results and fertility destruction. Working through drinks and manufacturing of soft drinks geared to the Blacks, could promote the channels of reducing their population. Ours is not a war that we can use the atomic bomb to, destroy the Blacks, so we must use our intelligence to effect this. The person-to-person encounter can be very effective. As the records show that the Black man is dying to go to bed with the White woman, here is our unique opportunity. Our Sex Mercenary Squad should go out and camouflage with Apartheid Fighters while doing their operations quietly administering slow killing poison and fertility destroyers to those Blacks they thus befriend.

We are modifying the Sex Mercenary Squad by introducing White men who should go for the militant Black woman and any other vulnerable Black woman. We have received a new supply of prostitutes from Europe and America who are desperate and too keen to take up the appointments. Money can do anything for you. So while we have it, we should make the best use of it. In the meantime my beloved White citizens, do not take to heart what the world says, and don’t be ashamed of being called racists. I don’t mind being called the architect and King of Apartheid. I shall not become a monkey simply because someone has called me a monkey. > I willstill remain your bright star...His Excellency Botha.

My latest appeal is that the maternity hospital operations should be intensified. We are not paying those people to help bring Black babies to this world but to eliminate them on the very delivery moment. If this department worked very efficiently, a great deal could be achieved. My Government has set aside a special fund for erecting more covert
hospitals and clinics to promote this programme. "

Chicks, boys and dogs...

2004-12-02T02:09:00.000-08:00

Being sick really sucks. I never really do sick but now that I am, I’m not surprised. After the weekend I had last week, I had to pay some sort of price for it. A couple of us went to a holiday resort and had an absolute blast. When I got back on Sunday evening I was already starting to feel myself get sick. By Monday evening I was a complete write-off. I didn’t go to work on Tuesday and thought of bunking Wednesday too but I some stuff I needed to fetch from there. I’m still a bit under the weather but I’m starting to get better.

As crappy as the way this week started, 2 good things did happen.

1.Yesterday I went to check out some cd’s at a music store. As I walked in I noticed a hottie standing behind the counter. I could see she was checking me out so I played it cool. To cut a long story short, when I went to pay for a cd, she started chatting me up. I resisted the urge to just lunge into the opportunity. She was quite good, I must say. A lot of guys can learn a thing or two from her. In the end my resistance crumbled and we exchanged numbers. When she got off work she called to invite me to her place. Nothing much but it was all good. Can’t wait for the weekend.

2. This morning I was woken up friends of mine from Cape Town. I hadn’t seen them in about 3 years and they were driving through East London and so they thought they should drop by. It was really cool seeing them again. We had lots to catch up on and consequently I lost track of time. Let’s just say if my boss had seen me walk in at the time that I did, he would’ve let me have it (he’s been quite edgy lately).

A funny thing that happened is that while we were chatting, my puppy started humping the one guy’s leg. The whole house was in stitches.

But while on that topic, it’s not the first time my puppy’s done this to visitors. As funny as it is sometimes, I don’t really dig it. What causes it and how do I make stop? He still a little too young to get castrated, I mean his balls haven’t even started growing yet. All suggestions welcome!

One for the road

2004-11-26T01:29:00.000-08:00

This blog is inspired by my friend Warren who’s leaving our company at the end of the year. Being perceived as somewhat controversial, he’s always lived up to that reputation. But there are things that he’s never been able to bring himself to do because of the hot water they could land him in. As his last day approaches, I’ve started compiling a list of things he can do to ensure that he bows out in a blaze of glory. Feel free to add any others you can think of:

1. Brown-bag something (preferably brandy) and drink it at his desk. (Thanks to Greg for this one.

2. Visit inappropriate Internet sites

3. Make all those overseas calls he’s been wanting to make

That’s all. To be honest, that’s all I really feel like writing right now, which really displays the number one governing body: laziness. In fact I’m so lazy, I don’t think I’m going to fini

Did I cheat?

2004-11-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

I’ve only discussed this with people I trust at work, and there aren’t many of those. 2 or 3 at the most. So in other words it's not something I can discuss with just anyone. That's why I've brought it to you. I'd say "Enjoy" but I don't think that would be appropriate. Read on and see what I mean...

After my job application had been turned down (without consideration, I might add) by the company I work for, I received a call from them to come and help out on a temporary basis (2 weeks). At the time I didn’t really have anything going for me so I accepted. I really enjoyed working here and the people were really great, except for the boss, who was a real prick.

Two days before I was to stop working, a guy I went to high school and college with came for an interview for the job I’d applied for. He talked openly about it, probably because he didn’t know that I’d also been eyeing that same job a couple of months before. I really didn’t mind losing out to him because he was much brighter than I was, at least he got better marks than I did. Significantly better.

In the interview, they made him do a case study which he was to present to a panel. One of the people he presented to was the boss of a chick I was somewhat close to. Apparently after the interview, the chick’s boss went to chick’s office to speak to her about something. I went in after she’d left and saw on the cupboard the case study they had made the guy do. I casually read through it while I spoke to the chick and after I’d finished saying what I went there to say, I left. 2 days later, my work came to an end. I went back to being unemployed.

A month later, I got a call from our Human Resources Director telling me that they were struggling to find the person they were looking for and that they were considering me. She told me that I’d have to go for an interview if I was interested, we arrange on when we should do it. I asked her to give me a week to prepare myself. She said cool.

I’d be lying if I said I’ve been to 5 interviews in my life. Based on that, I didn’t really have anything to look back at and use to help me prepare. Then I remembered. The case study I’d seen in the chick’s office. I put all my eggs in one basket and based all my preparation on that. I practiced and practiced until I could do it in my sleep.

When the big day came, I was nervous, naturally, but I wasn’t panicking. Imagine what went on inside me when it got to time for a case study. They put it in front of me and what do you know? The exact same thing they’d given to my school/college mate. I was itching to get started on it. Not only did I do it in record time, I aced it. The whole room was so impressed and needless to say, I got the job.

That was over 2 years ago. I don’t know why but I’ve been thinking about this whole thing a lot lately. The question I ask myself is, did I cheat? Because honestly, if I’d gone into that interview with no prior knowledge of what they were gonna ask me, I most probably would have failed. BUT and that’s a BUT bigger than J’Lo’s, when I saw the case study in that chick’s office, it was out of plain curiosity. Nothing else. Hell I wasn’t even being considered for the job. And in light of that I have to say no, I’m not a cheat.

But there’s many ways to skin a cat. A lot of people might differ. It’s open to how you interpret the whole thing and maybe how well you know me. And with that in mind, I’m not taking any chances. MIME has gotta be the word.

Why does it always rain on me?

2004-11-17T23:50:00.000-08:00

I’ve got this fascination with women I can’t have. They may be “above my league”, unavailable, or whatever. The thing is, these women drive me crazy. Granted, I’ve never gotten any of these women. I’ve come close with some but never quite got there. There’s a saying that goes something like: “aim at the sun and you may nor reach it but your arrow will go further that it would have had you aim at something on the same level as you”. I can vouch for t hat. It’s happened to me on a number of occasions.

There are lots of chicks that want me but I’m just not interested. A lot of them are really hot but they just don’t do it for me.

The vicious cycle continues. I’m crazy about this chick called Charlene. She’s a friend of a friend. I met her a couple of months ago but then she just didn’t do it for me. Since then I’ve seen her 4 or 5 times and each time she’s always looked better than the last.

A whole bunch of us spent a weekend at a Cybil’s holiday house and she was there. This time she was so hot she would have given a dog a bone. The crap thing is that she’s recently started seeing this guy. He’s in the British Army or something like that and from what I hear, he’s a machine. And to add salt to the wound, she’s also planning to go work in the UK next year.

I do have a couple of months to before that happens. And judging from what happened last weekend, she enjoys being around me. I’m gonna see her in 2 weeks time but in the meantime, I must just keep the communication going.

Call me crazy if you will but I honestly can’t help myself. I think I’m the kind of guy that deserves the kind of women I don’t deserve…

Quotable quotes

2004-11-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

This weekend a whole bunch of us went to Kenton-on-Sea, a holiday village just outside Port Elizabeth. Caitlin's uncle has a house there and he didn't have a problem with us staying there. These are 3 of my favourite quotes from there:

Cybil: Are you enjoying kicking my skirt under the table?
Me: Oh sorry.
Rob: (casually) You know if took it off, you wouldn't have this problem.

Me: Can I keep my keys in your bag?
Charlene: Of course you can, I am, after all, the responsible adult.
Rob: You wanna be the responsible adult? That's cool with me. I also do enjoy a bit of role play. But can I be the naughty school boy?

After giving Caitlin a lenghty massage:
Rob: I'm done. (referring to me) And see, I can get up. It's all about giving... Oh damn, I've given my game away. Next time I sit for 10 minutes after giving someone a massage, everyone's gonna know why.

Me: So do you do you go religiously (to gym)?
Rob: I wouldn't say religiously because if I did that would mean I go once every couple of weeks.
Caitlin: Speaking of which, when was the last time you went to church?
Rob: I went last week. I even put my hands up so I figure that bought me a couple of weeks. I'll only need to go sometime next month again.

Blast from the past..."Excellent"

2004-11-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about having a TV network that doesn’t show anything more modern than 2001 is that every once in a while, they will show a gem from the past. I don’t normally watch TV during the day. As a result I don’t even know what kind of programs they show on a Saturday afternoon. Carol knows how much I dig Mike Myers and so shecalled me to tell me that Wayne’s World was showing. What a classic!

A week later they showed the sequel. Bonus. All I can is that the man’s a genius. I’d seen both movies in the early 90’s but when you’re a kid there’s a lot of jokes that you don’t get. I guess that comes from a clean mind. For example: in the first movie, Ben (Rob Lowe) says he wants to order some Chinese and Wayne says: “I’ll have the cream of sum yung gai”. I don’t know a lot of 13 year olds that can get that.

There’s another movie that I saw as a kid that I’ve been wanting to watch as an adult. It’s called Biloxi Blues by Matthew Broderick and Christopher Walken. Do yourself a favour and check it out.

Who's the real manager?

2004-11-08T22:26:00.000-08:00

There’s this guy from Kenya at work. He’s been working with us for 2 years now. During this time he has managed to stir things up quite considerably in his department. I’m sure if he weren’t as smart as he is, he would have been fired a long time ago (he’s gotten into crap for misusing the Internet, the telephone and whole lot of other stuff ). In fact I don’t think anyone in our company is as smart as he is. He’s not one of those academic guys with a couple of degrees but can’t put that knowledge to any use. I’m sure this guy could have been anything and he’d still do well.

What fascinates me about this guy is the way he operates. He’s one of those people that constantly scrutinize things to see how he can do them better. Through this, he’s saved the company a couple of millions and in so doing put his managers to shame. These guys have been in the company for years but haven’t used any of their experience to improve our processes. The Kenyan has.

But the thing that really fascinates me about this guy is how he approaches his work. He’s always looking for something to do and is constantly bugging his managers for more work to do. He does it to such an extent that they try to avoid him. They avoid him because they know that if they don’t give him work which he feels is up to his intellectual abilities, he reports them to their bosses. But if they do give him work, he makes a light meal of it and again makes them look bad. So there’s really no winning for them.

Warren and I discussed this way of working and we thought we’d use it to get our bosses off our backs. Warren has started already. He’s been bugging his bosses for work now for the last two weeks. He does it in record time and before they get a chance to rest, he’s back for more. I know it’s a matter of time before they start avoiding him too. That’ll free up a lot of his time and then he can do the things that he really enjoys doing, like blogging.

I plan to do the same with my boss. 2-3 weeks of quick, hard work and months and months of rest. If you ask me, it’s a worthwhile investment.

Peer pressure

2004-11-01T03:23:00.000-08:00

What a weekend! Ok let me rephrase that. What a Saturday night! Kevin decides he wants us to go to a Halloween Party. As tired as I was I decided what the hell, I’ll go but when we get there, the place is dead. We decide instead of wasting the evening, we’ll go to a restaurant at the beach where there’s a band playing. We get there and sure enough, it’s happening. I don’t know Kevin told Carol, his housemate, about us going to a club because I got a call from her asking if she could come and club with us. I told her where we were and that we’d be coming home shortly.

When we got home we found Carol listening to some music, drunk out of her mind. Before long, she starts dancing in a very erotic and suggestive way. She was wearing this low-cut top, which showed off her airbags. As much as I don’t want anything with this chick, I won’t lie, I’ve been wanting to get my hands on those babies.

After like an hour, we all decide to call it a night and as I climb into bed, I get a text on my phone from her. It only contained one word: “CHICKEN”. I decide to not anything about it but a couple of minutes later, I get a missed call from her. Kevin tells me to go to her room to see what the problem could be. I didn’t want to and I didn’t care if some drunk chick thinks I’m a chicken for not wanting to take advantage of her. But Kevin really pressured me to go and I finally succumbed.

She was in bed already and I so I also climbed in. We both knew what she wanted so I didn’t waste anytime. After a couple of minutes of lip-wrestling, a lot fondling and heavy breathing, she stops and says: “Look here, I don’t wanna f**k you. I wanna make love to you”. And I said: “Is there a difference?” To be quite honest, my intentions for going to Carol’s room was just to tease her (and myself inadvertently). I wasn’t planning to go the whole nine yards.

When I got up to leave, I got the “oh no you don’t” look and with that, she pinned me down and resumed whatever we were doing. I wanted to do just one more thing. I wanted to shake those airbags and maybe bounce them up and down. I did. And when I was done, I left her high and maybe not so dry.

With that, I got the second side of the triangle. The thing is before Carol, there was Nicky, her friend. Carol knew about her and yet she’s been wanting a slice of my apple pie for a while now. But there’s another friend of theirs, Tammy, who I was supposed to have gone to a movie with last week. She’s the third side of the triangle. What are the chances of a guy getting 3 friends on separate occasions, everybody knows what’s going on and no one’s upset at the end of the day? Call me what you will but mathematically, I have to do it.

Time waits for no one

2004-10-20T01:57:00.000-07:00

Everyone at work has this perception of me as this laid-back, stress-free guy who doesn’t have enough to do. But I don’t blame them for feeling that way. I’ve done nothing that suggests otherwise. I arrive at 8am and almost always leave at 16:30. That’s when work actually starts and finishes. More on that later…

Another thing is I’m the only person in my department that goes to have lunch in the canteen. Everyone else has lunch at their desks, while they work. Everyone except my boss, who goes home for lunch and only comes back after 2 to 3 hours. I have a feeling that I’m not the only one who’s on to him. Lunch is supposed to be 30 minutes but I always make it 40 to 45. There’s this nosy woman that I work with who always has something to say about that. I have a standard answer that I always give her: “It’s called a lunch hour for a reason. Where have you ever heard of a lunch half hour?”

Last week my boss called me into his office because I’d missed a deadline by 20 minutes. This is the first one I’ve missed, mind you. He went on and on about how I’m swinging and missing and how I need to put in extra time blah blah blah. Then he tells me that he gets to work at 7:30 everyday and the two other young people (Mike and Jennifer) in the department are always in before him. Damn those nerds for making me look bad!

This made me realize what a crooked perception everyone has about people who come in early and work late. When I leave at 16:30, everyone looks at me as though I’m committing some kind of crime. My question is, why should I stick around when I’ve finished my work for the day?

I discussed this with Warren the other day and he raised an important point that most people don’t seem to be aware of. He said that people who come in early and leave late do that because they work slow and need to put in the extra time to finish what they’re supposed to. But where I work, these are the people that get all the praise and the raises.

Maybe I should tell my boss that if you take 3 hour lunches, you will need to work late. I can just see the look on his face… as he helps me clear out my desk.

The battle of the boyfriends

2004-10-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

So there I was blogging away last week Friday afternoon just to kill off the last few hours of the week when I chanced upon a blog by Greg The Boyfriend. I really enjoyed reading his postings so much that I referred Warren, a colleague of mine, to Greg’s blog. Warren concurred with me and was so impressed by Greg’s entries that the first thing he did he did when he got to work on Monday was to go straight onto Greg’s blog.

After spending almost the entire morning (Greg writes a lot) on Greg’s blog, he found out about Craig The Boyfriend. He told me about this and I went in to check it out for myself. WOW! Exactly identical. My first thought was: something fishy’s going on here.

But after more thought I concluded that 1 of 3 things was happening here, or a combination of 2.

1. One of these guys is seriously mentally disturbed. I’m talking serial killer kind of psycho here. I know that imitation is the best way of flattery but Sarah vs Tara? Come on! My advice to the guy that started this boyfriend thing would be to make sure you never run into the other guy. He badly wants to be you or your friend and if you wanna know what happens when someone wants to be your friend too badly, go watch The Cable Guy towards the end.

2. Greg and Craig are the same person (see point 3). And if that’s the case, see the first sentence in point No.1.

3. Greg and Craig know each other. You know how rappers have these fake rivalries to get sales? Greg and Craig could well be doing the same thing. I must admit though that that would be quite ingenious of them (read their blogs and you’ll see these guys have brains). A lot of good blogs go unread and the only way to get comments and people making noise about your blog is exactly that, get people talking about you. And this Greg vs Craig thing is doing exactly that. Whatever works, hey guys?

For my money I’d go with No.1. And if someone really pushed me for an answer as to who the copycat is, I’d say Craig. Just looking at the dates on when they made their postings, I see Craig’s only been around for the last 2 to 3 months. Greg’s been there forever.

A word of advice: Greg, watch your back. And Sarah’s too.

Ps. If you wanna make your own conclusions see: www.gregtheboyfriend.blogspot.com and www.craigtheboyfriend.blogspot.com

Days of our lives

2004-10-12T04:31:00.000-07:00

I'm upset right now. I hate coming back to my desk from lunch and not find an e-mail or text message on my phone waiting for me. You'd think at least one of the ladies in my life would think of me. Sure I've put Jennifer in the back-burner, but I expect Katie or Tracy to send me something. Okay maybe not Tracy. Only 2 weeks ago we got on like a house on fire. Then she went cold on me. That's my fault though. I invited her to a beer festival, showed up over an hour late to pick her up, and when we got there I met Katie and Debbie and totally forgot about her.

But you can't blame a guy for recognising hot chicks when he sees them. I'd met Katie and Debbie at a club 2 months before Tracy's time. We had a bump 'n grind session on the dance floor. I'd never danced like that with a chick in my life before, let alone two. The things those girls did with their bodies, I'd only seen gymnasts and ballerinas do. And being a idiot, I let them go without getting their numbers. And now I see them at this beerfest, I wasn't gonna mess up this opportunity. Poor Tracy. She was left to fend off on her own. It came as no great surprise when she said she wants to go home. I quickly dropped off at her cousin’s house and made a dash back to the beerfest to be with Katie and Debbie. Although I was more into Katie, it’s always nice to mention them as a package deal. I don’t know those girls too well but I wouldn’t put it past them to enjoy a little group activity.

No such luck on that night though. Other than the usual bumping ‘n grinding not much else happened. I gave them, plus some other girls, a lift home. But not before I got their numbers though…

The next day I get text message from Tracy telling me how much she hates how I ignored her and how stupid it made her feel. I diluted the atmosphere with a couple of jokes and soon we were cool again. Or so I thought…

As much as I was starting to like Tracy, I decided to not call her for the next 2 days just to give her the gift of missing me. What was I to do with all the free time I would have. Katie. When I finally called Tracy, she was sick. Not just sick though, cold too. From this cool chick, she turned into an ice queen. Stuff that! Isn’t life a box of chocolates! Options options options. If she wants to play it that way, I’m game. And with that I made plans to hook up with Katie on the weekend.

We arranged to meet for coffee on Friday and Debbie and Rob were to join us. Mixed doubles. Katie flaked out on us and the whole thing was called off. Why bother? This left me wondering what I would do with my Friday evening. I didn’t have to wonder for very long. Carol, Kevin’s housemate came home with some tickets to a rugby match. The three of us went there and had a reasonably okay time. Things looked up when I got a text from Katie saying she wanted to meet up on Saturday. Oh yeah baby bring it on.

And speaking of Carol. This chick is so hot for me that I’m scared to go to Kevin’s house. One of these days she’s gonna seriously jump my bones. But that too is my fault. I wanted her to hook me up with a friend of hers but she told me to forget about it. Kevin told me that Carol didn’t want me with her friend because she wanted me for herself. How dare she! She had to be brought to task. I decided to start flirting with her and then leave her hanging. I did such a great job of it that last night she was about to confess her feelings for me but I could see it coming and made a run for it. I don't know if I'm gonna be going to Kevin's house anytime soon...

Back to Saturday. Katie wanting to do something, remember? Early that day I call Rob and suggested that I bring Katie and Debbie so we can hang out at his house. He thought that was cool and we agreed to meet later.

On my way to fetch the ladies, Tracy calls me. She tells me she wants to hook up and have coffee. I told her I was on my way to Rob's and that I couldn't. She said fine. But it obviously wasn't fine because a couple of minutes after we'd gotten to Rob's house, she calls me again, this time demanding that I drop whatever I'm doing to go be with her. I told her I couldn’t. She’d have none of that. She insisted and even started making threats that if I don’t come over immediately, I might as well erase her number from my phone ‘cause she wants nothing to do with me. That was it! Who the hell does this chick think she is? I put my phone on silent and rejoined the banter.

What a time we had! It’s the first time I’ve actually spent time with Katie and Debbie and I’ll tell you they’re more than just pretty faces and sexy bodies. They have brains too. Especially Katie, the one I'm really interested in. She obviously had a great time at Rob's because the next day we had a sms marathon which lasted for about 3 hours which she started. At the end of it all, we set up a date for this coming Friday. I can't wait...

But I need to keep myself occupied until then. Maybe I'll give Tracy a buzz. That's if she is still talking to me. Why wouldn't she? Sure I ignored her calls for a couple of hours, but I don't think a man should be judged on something as trivial as exercising the right not answer his phone when he doesn't want to.

To quown or not to quown

2004-10-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

Quown? What is that? If I could put the word "quown" in a dictionary, I'd make it look as follows:

quown verb (kwo-wn)

And that would be it! Because that's just what it is. The beauty of this word is that it can be and mean whatever the user wants it to mean. To illustate, let me quown you an example. Got it? We live in a world where everybody tries to practise time management. (How 21st century of us). Instead of trying to think up of the "right" word to use, why don't you just quown it?

So go out there and quown the word!